Joshua and I try really hard not to get our hopes up too high, but we couldn't really help ourselves. We saw no reason why this shouldn't work. Everything was looking good and seemed like we may finally be able to get pregnant again. I went in for my monthly ultrasound to see if I had a dominate follicle, which I did. I got my prescription for the HCG (it looks like an insulin shot) and went about my day freaking out about having to give myself this shot. Later that evening when I got home, I relayed the information to Joshua about what to expect and how this would work and prepared to take the shot. I was so afraid. I am okay with needles if I don't have to look at them, but I couldn't really not look at it. After a lot of pacing around and both of us laughing at how ridiculous I was acting, Joshua stuck me with the needle. It didn't hurt at all. Now we had the dreaded two week wait.
Fast forward three weeks...
Negative test after negative test. Lightheaded and nauseous everyday and unsure as to whether it was a side effect of the HCG or because I really was pregnant. I began to lose hope that this was going to work. Finally Joshua and I decided that we just had to know for sure. By this time I had missed my period and should've been able to get a positive. So I went to the lab and had them do a blood draw. The day seemed to drag on forever. I kept praying that all my negative feelings would be proven wrong. The lab confirmed that we hadn't conceived this month. Joshua just held me as I cried. My thoughts went to our Angel Baby. One year ago we had lost this baby. For the next few days I went from angry to sad back to angry. I was angry that this hadn't worked, sad over our lost baby, angry that I allowed myself to think about how we would tell our parents, and so many other dashed hopes that Joshua and I had had.
I've since been waiting for my new cycle to start and it hasn't. My doctor a few days after my test let me know that she wanted me to make an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure that my dominate follicle hasn't turned into a cyst. I wasn't able to get in until the 9th. Now I go around during the day hoping that I don't have a massive cyst rupture.
Joshua and I have talked about taking a break from all the treatments. We haven't quite decided what to do yet, but we know that as we keep praying and asking the Lord for guidance that He will direct us. I don't know what His plan is or what He wants us to learn from this challenge, but I keep thinking of a scripture from 1st Nephi. Nephi says "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning all things." Like Nephi, I don't know the meaning behind our trials. I don't know why some of us struggle to obtain the righteous desires of our hearts, or even why God grants us such righteous desires and then holds back from us. I do know that God loves His children and I know that through Jesus Christ I can find peace. There is a song that I heard on the radio that has just been speaking to me lately. The chorus of this song simply states "there is power in the name of Jesus." Listening to these words over and over again, I have felt the spirit testify to me of its truth. I pray that through this, Joshua and I can become the people and servants that God needs us to be, and recognize the healing power of the atonement. We appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and love. 