Update!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was fantastic! Full of family, laughter and fun.

It's taken me awhile to update you all on what is going on...mostly because I'm not sure how I feel about it. My Doctor and I were able to have a good conversation about what our next step should be. She is just as confused as we are. It is looking as though I didn't ovulate at all. I am frustrated by this, but also glad to know so that we can decide what to do. My treatments have not gone how either my Doctor or I thought that they would. There are plenty of cases of women with PCOS who are able to conceive with the help of a Doctor...then there are cases like mine. We are reaching the end of the oral treatments. We can try one more combination of Letrozole, Chlomid and the HCG shot. After that we will need to move on to injectable treatments.

After talking about what to do, and praying for guidance, we've decided to stop trying until after the New Year. This has been a hard decision to come to, but we feel like my body could use a break from all the hormones and medication. We would really like to thank all of our family and friends for your support. It means the world to know that there are so many of you cheering for us. We feel your love and your prayers.

We hope you all have a very merry Christmas, a happy New Year, and may God bless you all.

UPDATE!!! There is power in His name!

This cycle has been a roller coaster! For those of you who didn't read my last update, this past cycle our Doctor suggested that we try using an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation (which really means IUI, but they didn't inseminate me). I was finally able to ovulate on my own last cycle, but my levels weren't quite as high as our Doctor wanted them, and it was difficult to tell when exactly I ovulated. Home ovulation kits don't work for me so there was really no way to tell for sure. By using the HCG we would know exactly when I ovulated which would help us time things better.

Joshua and I try really hard not to get our hopes up too high, but we couldn't really help ourselves. We saw no reason why this shouldn't work. Everything was looking good and seemed like we may finally be able to get pregnant again. I went in for my monthly ultrasound to see if I had a dominate follicle, which I did. I got my prescription for the HCG (it looks like an insulin shot) and went about my day freaking out about having to give myself this shot. Later that evening when I got home, I relayed the information to Joshua about what to expect and how this would work and prepared to take the shot. I was so afraid. I am okay with needles if I don't have to look at them, but I couldn't really not look at it. After a lot of pacing around and both of us laughing at how ridiculous I was acting, Joshua stuck me with the needle. It didn't hurt at all. Now we had the dreaded two week wait. 

Fast forward three weeks...

Negative test after negative test. Lightheaded and nauseous everyday and unsure as to whether it was a side effect of the HCG or because I really was pregnant. I began to lose hope that this was going to work. Finally Joshua and I decided that we just had to know for sure. By this time I had missed my period and should've been able to get a positive. So I went to the lab and had them do a blood draw. The day seemed to drag on forever. I kept praying that all my negative feelings would be proven wrong. The lab confirmed that we hadn't conceived this month. Joshua just held me as I cried. My thoughts went to our Angel Baby. One year ago we had lost this baby. For the next few days I went from angry to sad back to angry. I was angry that this hadn't worked, sad over our lost baby, angry that I allowed myself to think about how we would tell our parents, and so many other dashed hopes that Joshua and I had had. 

I've since been waiting for my new cycle to start and it hasn't. My doctor a few days after my test let me know that she wanted me to make an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure that my dominate follicle hasn't turned into a cyst. I wasn't able to get in until the 9th. Now I go around during the day hoping that I don't have a massive cyst rupture. 

Joshua and I have talked about taking a break from all the treatments. We haven't quite decided what to do yet, but we know that as we keep praying and asking the Lord for guidance that He will direct us. I don't know what His plan is or what He wants us to learn from this challenge, but I keep thinking of a scripture from 1st Nephi. Nephi says "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning all things." Like Nephi, I don't know the meaning behind our trials. I don't know why some of us struggle to obtain the righteous desires of our hearts, or even why God grants us such righteous desires and then holds back from us. I do know that God loves His children and I know that through Jesus Christ I can find peace. There is a song that I heard on the radio that has just been speaking to me lately. The chorus of this song simply states "there is power in the name of Jesus." Listening to these words over and over again, I have felt the spirit testify to me of its truth. I pray that through this, Joshua and I can become the people and servants that God needs us to be, and recognize the healing power of the atonement. We appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and love. 

The Light in the Distance

Hello Everyone! I hope you are all doing well! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Life has been busy. Joshua and I just bought our first home in Saratoga Springs,
and life has finally slowed down just a little.

So, today I'm feeling quite hopeful. It's been awhile since I've felt this way. I try not to allow myself to feel too hopeful in order keep myself intact. Its quite easy for me to lose my crap when I get too hopeful. There have been some great improvements. This last cycle...I OVULATED! ON MY OWN! This is such an achievement for me. I have been going in for blood tests to check my progesterone levels since home tests lie to me all the time. My first test I was expecting it to be like the others. Every month its been,"Nope, your ovaries hate you. Try not to tick them off next month." This time was different. I don't know why it was different, but my levels indicate that I did ovulate. My doctor had me go in for another test just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke and guess what? My levels increased! While they are not as high as they should be, it is progress and we will take it. My doctor wants to start me on an HCG shot along with the Letrozole I've been taking. This should help my progesterone levels increase to where they need to be. I am not excited about this. I have to inject them myself, or rather Joshua will be injecting them since I don't think I will be brave enough.

I find I am allowing myself to get excited to see what the next few months brings. We now have an extra room that is completely empty, and I can't help but think about what it will be like to fill it with baby things. I have saved so many nursery plans from Pinterest its not even funny. I don't know that this is a good thing for me to get so worked up. In the back of my mind I have this nagging voice that tells me to protect myself so I don't go crazy, but I also feel that things are beginning to change.

I think about how it must've felt for the Savior. He knew He had to endure all of this pain. He was mocked by His people, betrayed my His friend, suffered for our sins, whipped and beaten, publicly humiliated and crucified. There had to have been times when He felt despair. I'm sure that there were times when the only thing that He could do to keep Himself going was to know that He would return to His Father. He focused on the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. While we all have our struggles and some of our tunnels are darker than others or longer than others, we can all focus on that light. It's okay to sit down and take a break if you become weary, but we should always keep our eyes on the light in the distance.

Round Four: Ovaries 2, Larsen's 1

Well...what started out as an exciting month has rapidly turned into another mountain to climb. Not to be a downer, but I'm really sick of hiking. 

My last ultrasound everything was looking great. I've had positive ovulation tests all week long. I am now six days late, but I'm not pregnant. Nor did my blood work indicate that I actually ovulated at all.  So Joshua and I continue to be perplexed and wonder why in the world my ovaries continue to be so stubborn. 

I'm trying to just remember that there is something to learn from all of this. I don't know what that is, but I obviously haven't learned it yet. There's a part of me that is wanting to give up, but there is also a part of me that knows that I can't. We will try this for one more month. I don't know what we will do after that. I hope that we won't have to do anything after that. I can't lie and say that I'm not upset...that doesn't even describe how I feel. I just pray that I can learn to be accepting of my challenges, rather than feel hindered by them. 

I ask for all the prayers any of you can spare. 

Round Three: It's a tie!

Just an update for any of you who would like to know. On Monday I had another ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Letrozole. I think I mentioned in my last post that my Doctor had upped my dosage and had me take it for ten days instead of five. So I went in, honestly not really expecting anything. I've become accustomed to failure in this area. I decided not to let myself get too hopeful, that way I wouldn't go crazy when it didn't work.

As we went through the ultrasound, my Doctor double checked all my measurements and counted all my follicles. All was looking like business as usual. She then moved over to my left ovary and BOOM! There was a massive dominant follicle! I am no expert, but I've seen my ovaries enough that I know what they look like. I immediately started to tear up. This will be the first time that I've ovulated since baby Larsen.

Joshua and I prayed very hard about what medication we should take, and we really felt that the Letrozole would be the one. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's guidance in all of this. He has helped us to know what path to choose. I don't know that we will conceive this month (being honest I don't think we will), but that's okay. I am just glad the the Lord has blessed us that my body is doing what it is suppose to be.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. We have felt them and they lift us up.

Round Two: Ovaries 1, Larsens 0

This morning I went to my see my Endocrinologist to have an ultrasound. We had upped my dose of letrozole and were checking to see if I was responding to it. So basically what they look for is to see if the follicles in my ovaries have increased in size, which will indicate that the medication is working. The ultrasound machine allows them to be able to take measurements  of my uterus, my ovaries and the follicles. It's fascinating to watch and be able to see what is going on inside your body. My doctor counted 30 follicles on each ovary, which is great!

There was good news and bad news. I am not responding to the medication, which is really disappointing for me because I felt so strongly that this was the one I needed to take. I prayed long and hard to know which medication would yield the best results and what would be best for my body. The good news is there are options. My ovaries have decided to be stubborn, so what we will do is take a higher dose of letrozole (three a day for ten days) and see if that will be enough to stimulate them. My doctor is so positive. I always leave her office feeling like I can do it.

Admittedly I am feeling down. Infertility is something that is so alienating. Even though others are as supportive as they can be, you just feel that you don't belong. You feel extremely inadequate next to other women. There are so many emotions that you feel every day and every month that you can't explain to others.

I have thought about the Atonement this week. What does it do for me. I can see my spirit walking up to the Savior in the garden and telling him everything that was ever going to happen to me. I can't fathom how He could understand what I feel, or how He could possibly have felt all the physical ailments that I do and will experience. I know though that somehow He did and He does. I was able to attend the temple and feel a confirmation of peace. I know that there will be ups and downs, that there will be days that I struggle, but I also know that one day, because of Christ's sacrifice, I will be able to do all that I wish I could do here. I will be able to have a healthy body. I will have children. I will be alright.

Treatment Update: Round One of Letrozole

Just a quick update for all of you. I started taking letrozole and waiting patiently to see if I ovulated. Okay, so maybe I wasn't very patient about it, but who can blame me? Fathers day was coming and I couldn't help but think about what a great Fathers Day gift that would be to my Hubby. He's been such a rock while I ride my wild roller coaster.

We went to St. George while I was supposed to be ovulating. The first morning I took a test and it was positive I was ecstatic! This is the first time I've ovulated since Baby Larsen, so it was a big deal for Joshua and I.  I continued to take them for the next few days and they were all positive. Then all of a sudden my period started and confusion set in. My doctor had told me that there was a chance that home ovulation tests may not work for me.

When we came home from St. George we went to the hospital to have my blood drawn. My doctor wanted to check my progesterone levels to see if I had actually ovulated or not. I just got the results this morning and they indicate that I didn't. So the new plan is to up my dosage of letrozole and then go in for an ultrasound to see if I'm even responding to it.

Even though things didn't go as planned this time around, I still feel confident that things will work. All your prayers are appreciated and felt.