Fostering Love and Hoping to Adopt

Joshua and I are so excited to become Foster Parents. We want to thank everyone for the love and support you have shown us. This is not an easy process, and while we are half way through it, we still have a long way to go.

Many of you have asked us how we came to this decision. It was not an easy thing. Those of you who have been following our story know that we have been trying to start our family for nearly four years. Many tests, one miscarriage and I can't tell you how many tears later, we had one last visit with my Doctor. As far as having biological children, IVF is the last option. Every treatment or medication we have tried we have prayed about and counseled to make sure it was the best option for us. This time was different though. Before our consult with the Doctor we prayed and fasted and prayed...but we weren't feeling good about IVF. The idea made me terribly anxious. It is an invasive and long procedure, and to make matters worse there still is the part where it might not even work.

I was feeling very forgotten by the Lord. I couldn't understand why he wasn't letting me know what to do. We met with my Doctor and she told us that we had a very good chance of conceiving with IVF. Now, weeks before this we had started looking into adopting. Those of you who know anything about it know that it is an extremely expensive endeavor. We couldn't fathom how we would be able to do that. While searching this out, I came across the option to adopt through Foster Care. We looked into it and studied anything we could find. This frightened us too, because as Foster Parents, we are ultimately helping the children to return with their families. But we did feel strongly that this was a good thing, and that we should consider it.

I was able to go to the temple one day after work, so I took that opportunity to find out what we needed to do. I had all the options and information that I needed, but I was done playing the waiting and guessing game. I wanted our efforts to go toward what would be most fruitful and grow our family. As I sat in the temple, I gave God an ultimatum. "Lord, tell me what to do, or I'm not doing anything. Joshua and I can't make this decision. I need you to make it for us." This probably wasn't the best idea to speak to God this way, but it worked. I suddenly felt a calm come over my heart and a voice say to me, "If you don't pursue this, you will miss someone. Do you want to answer for that when you meet Me? What excuse will you give me? "I was scared"isn''t going to work."That was it. I went home and when Joshua got home I sat him down and told him what happened. He agreed that we needed to do it. The next day I called to speak with one of the recruiters for Utah Foster Care. She was able to meet with us that week and answer all the other questions we had. We got all of the information we needed to get started.

A few weeks later we began our classes. This was the longest month of our lives. We learned about how trauma affects a child's brain, the different things that bring children into custody, what our role is, how to do our paperwork (which there is a lot of) and so many other things. Our trainer was amazing and we left the class feeling so empowered and ready to parent these kids with love and kindness.

Now, the timeline is unsure. We are still waiting on some things to get finalized, a background check and our home study, but we are hoping that we can have placements by August or September. We know that there will be a lot of questions that you all have and we welcome any of them. We have truly come to appreciate how needed Foster Families are and the good that can come from them as we allow other families to heal. We are so excited to have little ones in our home. Thank you all again for your kindness and support as we begin this journey. I will update the blog when we have news or anything happens.

What You Need to Know About Your Friend with PCOS

Hello Everyone!

I love when people ask about PCOS. Truly I do. I want people to understand this disorder better because information leads to prevention and cures. However, there are some people, who truly just don't care or don't understand that PCOS is such a multifaceted disorder. One problem leads to another and another and another...these are some of the things that I wish others would understand about PCOS.

1) Not having a period is not fun. 
Yes, Aunt Flow is annoying, but a necessary part of being a woman. While you may think that I'm so lucky that I don't have a regular period, keep in mind when I do have one it feels like I got hit by a train. Not having your cycle can lead to other problems as well. So in all reality, YOU are the lucky ones.
2) Just because I've regulated my cycle, doesn't mean I will magically get pregnant.
A period and ovulation do not necessarily go hand in hand. A woman with PCOS is living proof of this as we pay hundreds of dollars to force our bodies to do both.
3) Believe me, I am not overweight by choice. 
My body doesn't work like your body. You can be good and eat like a rabbit and work out like crazy and your body will reward you. My body doesn't work that easily. It is twice as hard for me to lose weight because my body doesn't function the same way yours does.
4) No, I do not have diabetes.
You would not believe how many people don't understand Insulin's role in our body. When I say that I'm Insulin Resistant, many folks seem to think that means I am diabetic. It is not the same thing, though PCOS can lead to type 2 diabetes. My body doesn't respond to Insulin, which is why I take an Insulin sensitizing agent.
5) I will always need to manage my symptoms. 
This isn't something that will go away. I will deal with it for the rest of my life, because hormones control everything. There is no cure for PCOS and they don't know what causes it.
6) We hate when you give us "Suggestions".
So many well-meaning individuals have suggested fertility drugs to me. There is no medication, fertility treatment, diet plan or workout plan that you know about that I don't. Believe me, I've spent much more time researching and talking with specialists than you have.
7) I may not look sick, but I am.
The human body is amazing. My body has been through the fires of hell. I may look just fine on the outside, but the fact is that most days I feel horrible. I often feel sick, I am hangry the majority of the day, and I also have to try and keep my mood swings at bay. The best explanation that I can give is that everyday my body feels like a pubescent 14 year old and a menopausal woman are trapped in the same body and are fighting each other for control.

Please show your love for your friends and family members who have PCOS and do your research. Ask them about doctors appointments. Feed them when they are cranky (we love that!). Please know we need your love and support to fight this.

Children: They are so worth it!

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas! We sure did! 

 I don't intend to offend anyone, but this is something I need to get off my chest. This morning I received a text from my sweet husband. Apparently he got to listen to someone complain about their twins. He was told by this person that they wouldn't wish twins on anyone. Now perhaps this individual was having one of those difficult parenting days that everyone has. Maybe they were just mad. No matter the reason, to my husband who wants nothing more than to be a father and would be deliriously happy if we were to have twins, this was nothing more than a complaint about parenthood. Joshua is not someone to talk about his feelings on this particular subject, but he did express to me that this was hurtful. 

Now, I'm sure that had this person known about our circumstances that they never would have said something like this to Joshua. 

While this was a totally innocent incident, this isn't the first time that someone has complained to us about their choice to be a parent. We can't fully understand the challenges that others face as parents. We haven't experienced them yet. We have seen the time, energy and sacrifice that you all make for your children. We see the countless sleepless nights, the crazy days and constant teaching that you do. We so admire you, and hope that we will have the opportunity to grow in the ways that you have.

That being said, don't let all of the hard times make you forget how precious your children are. Can you imagine your life without them? Do you even really remember what life was like before them? Don't complain about the opportunity you have to serve and love another. Of course their will be times when you have frustrations that need venting, but there is a difference between venting and complaining. You should be grateful for what you have. There are some who pray daily that they will have the blessings that you have been given. If Joshua and I could take the children that have been complained about or wished away, we would've been parents a dozen times over. Please remember the value of your children. You have no idea how precious they are. Ask anyone who has been unable to have children, or who have lost children and they will tell you. 

Please try and be more aware of what you say about your kids. Trust me, there is someone around you who would gladly trade places with you. They are not a burden or a hinderance, and they are so worth it. 

Update!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was fantastic! Full of family, laughter and fun.

It's taken me awhile to update you all on what is going on...mostly because I'm not sure how I feel about it. My Doctor and I were able to have a good conversation about what our next step should be. She is just as confused as we are. It is looking as though I didn't ovulate at all. I am frustrated by this, but also glad to know so that we can decide what to do. My treatments have not gone how either my Doctor or I thought that they would. There are plenty of cases of women with PCOS who are able to conceive with the help of a Doctor...then there are cases like mine. We are reaching the end of the oral treatments. We can try one more combination of Letrozole, Chlomid and the HCG shot. After that we will need to move on to injectable treatments.

After talking about what to do, and praying for guidance, we've decided to stop trying until after the New Year. This has been a hard decision to come to, but we feel like my body could use a break from all the hormones and medication. We would really like to thank all of our family and friends for your support. It means the world to know that there are so many of you cheering for us. We feel your love and your prayers.

We hope you all have a very merry Christmas, a happy New Year, and may God bless you all.

UPDATE!!! There is power in His name!

This cycle has been a roller coaster! For those of you who didn't read my last update, this past cycle our Doctor suggested that we try using an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation (which really means IUI, but they didn't inseminate me). I was finally able to ovulate on my own last cycle, but my levels weren't quite as high as our Doctor wanted them, and it was difficult to tell when exactly I ovulated. Home ovulation kits don't work for me so there was really no way to tell for sure. By using the HCG we would know exactly when I ovulated which would help us time things better.

Joshua and I try really hard not to get our hopes up too high, but we couldn't really help ourselves. We saw no reason why this shouldn't work. Everything was looking good and seemed like we may finally be able to get pregnant again. I went in for my monthly ultrasound to see if I had a dominate follicle, which I did. I got my prescription for the HCG (it looks like an insulin shot) and went about my day freaking out about having to give myself this shot. Later that evening when I got home, I relayed the information to Joshua about what to expect and how this would work and prepared to take the shot. I was so afraid. I am okay with needles if I don't have to look at them, but I couldn't really not look at it. After a lot of pacing around and both of us laughing at how ridiculous I was acting, Joshua stuck me with the needle. It didn't hurt at all. Now we had the dreaded two week wait. 

Fast forward three weeks...

Negative test after negative test. Lightheaded and nauseous everyday and unsure as to whether it was a side effect of the HCG or because I really was pregnant. I began to lose hope that this was going to work. Finally Joshua and I decided that we just had to know for sure. By this time I had missed my period and should've been able to get a positive. So I went to the lab and had them do a blood draw. The day seemed to drag on forever. I kept praying that all my negative feelings would be proven wrong. The lab confirmed that we hadn't conceived this month. Joshua just held me as I cried. My thoughts went to our Angel Baby. One year ago we had lost this baby. For the next few days I went from angry to sad back to angry. I was angry that this hadn't worked, sad over our lost baby, angry that I allowed myself to think about how we would tell our parents, and so many other dashed hopes that Joshua and I had had. 

I've since been waiting for my new cycle to start and it hasn't. My doctor a few days after my test let me know that she wanted me to make an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure that my dominate follicle hasn't turned into a cyst. I wasn't able to get in until the 9th. Now I go around during the day hoping that I don't have a massive cyst rupture. 

Joshua and I have talked about taking a break from all the treatments. We haven't quite decided what to do yet, but we know that as we keep praying and asking the Lord for guidance that He will direct us. I don't know what His plan is or what He wants us to learn from this challenge, but I keep thinking of a scripture from 1st Nephi. Nephi says "I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning all things." Like Nephi, I don't know the meaning behind our trials. I don't know why some of us struggle to obtain the righteous desires of our hearts, or even why God grants us such righteous desires and then holds back from us. I do know that God loves His children and I know that through Jesus Christ I can find peace. There is a song that I heard on the radio that has just been speaking to me lately. The chorus of this song simply states "there is power in the name of Jesus." Listening to these words over and over again, I have felt the spirit testify to me of its truth. I pray that through this, Joshua and I can become the people and servants that God needs us to be, and recognize the healing power of the atonement. We appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and love. 

The Light in the Distance

Hello Everyone! I hope you are all doing well! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Life has been busy. Joshua and I just bought our first home in Saratoga Springs,
and life has finally slowed down just a little.

So, today I'm feeling quite hopeful. It's been awhile since I've felt this way. I try not to allow myself to feel too hopeful in order keep myself intact. Its quite easy for me to lose my crap when I get too hopeful. There have been some great improvements. This last cycle...I OVULATED! ON MY OWN! This is such an achievement for me. I have been going in for blood tests to check my progesterone levels since home tests lie to me all the time. My first test I was expecting it to be like the others. Every month its been,"Nope, your ovaries hate you. Try not to tick them off next month." This time was different. I don't know why it was different, but my levels indicate that I did ovulate. My doctor had me go in for another test just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke and guess what? My levels increased! While they are not as high as they should be, it is progress and we will take it. My doctor wants to start me on an HCG shot along with the Letrozole I've been taking. This should help my progesterone levels increase to where they need to be. I am not excited about this. I have to inject them myself, or rather Joshua will be injecting them since I don't think I will be brave enough.

I find I am allowing myself to get excited to see what the next few months brings. We now have an extra room that is completely empty, and I can't help but think about what it will be like to fill it with baby things. I have saved so many nursery plans from Pinterest its not even funny. I don't know that this is a good thing for me to get so worked up. In the back of my mind I have this nagging voice that tells me to protect myself so I don't go crazy, but I also feel that things are beginning to change.

I think about how it must've felt for the Savior. He knew He had to endure all of this pain. He was mocked by His people, betrayed my His friend, suffered for our sins, whipped and beaten, publicly humiliated and crucified. There had to have been times when He felt despair. I'm sure that there were times when the only thing that He could do to keep Himself going was to know that He would return to His Father. He focused on the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. While we all have our struggles and some of our tunnels are darker than others or longer than others, we can all focus on that light. It's okay to sit down and take a break if you become weary, but we should always keep our eyes on the light in the distance.

Round Four: Ovaries 2, Larsen's 1

Well...what started out as an exciting month has rapidly turned into another mountain to climb. Not to be a downer, but I'm really sick of hiking. 

My last ultrasound everything was looking great. I've had positive ovulation tests all week long. I am now six days late, but I'm not pregnant. Nor did my blood work indicate that I actually ovulated at all.  So Joshua and I continue to be perplexed and wonder why in the world my ovaries continue to be so stubborn. 

I'm trying to just remember that there is something to learn from all of this. I don't know what that is, but I obviously haven't learned it yet. There's a part of me that is wanting to give up, but there is also a part of me that knows that I can't. We will try this for one more month. I don't know what we will do after that. I hope that we won't have to do anything after that. I can't lie and say that I'm not upset...that doesn't even describe how I feel. I just pray that I can learn to be accepting of my challenges, rather than feel hindered by them. 

I ask for all the prayers any of you can spare.