Saturday, October 18, 2014
My Love Hate Relationship with Food
Today I'm thinking about food. Today I went into work at 8:30, totally ready to conquer the day. By 9:30 I was in desperate need of a snack, by 11 I was feeling like I might die of hunger, and by 3:30 when I was finally able to eat lunch I was having hallucinations about Costa Vida and a smothered Sweet Pork Burrito. This is the average day for me. Two days out of the week (the days that I have school) I get to snack and be healthy. The other five days of the week I'm too busy to eat when I should. In my previous posts I've talked a little bit about being on a treatment plan for my PCOS. Right now I'm taking Metformin. This is a medication to help with Insulin levels. Usually this is something that would be used for a diabetic, but in my case I am in need of it. See, my body has become Insulin resistant. Just a quick break down for those of you who are wondering what that means, normally food is absorbed into the bloodstream in the form of sugars as glucose and other basic substances. The increase in sugar in the bloodstream signal the pancreas to increase the secretion of insulin. This attaches to cells, removing sugar from the bloodstream so that it can be used for energy. So that means for someone who is insulin resistant, that their cells have a diminished
ability to respond to the action of the insulin. To make up for this the pancreas secretes more insulin. So, my body doesn't use my food for energy. Instead it stores it as fat. I never realized how absolutely out of control my eating was until I started taking the Metformin. Before I couldn't tell when my body needed to eat until I was absolutely famished. Now I can feel that I need to eat, not because I'm hungry, but because I need to eat for energy. It's amazing! On the days that I do eat well, I feel great, I can make better food choices, and I don't get hangry, (yes, I get very, very hangry). On the days that I don't get to eat, I'm so tired, I am mad, I can't focus, I can feel my blood sugar dropping, and I crave. I CRAVE sugar. I honestly lose my ability to choose good food. I can't because I can only think about how badly I need to eat, so I eat whatever is in front of me. I remember one time at a family function my Father-in-law (Kyle I love you) making a comment about how I was eating so much cake. I am known in my house as the ice cream monger. I will finish off a half gallon of ice cream in one day and not blink an eye (although to be nice to my husband I generally try to make it last two). I've stopped buying ice cream altogether because I can't stop myself. I've been trying really hard to eat better, but it's so hard! By the time I get to eat most days I just need something. I don't care what that something is, or where it came from, but I know I need it or I will lose my cherub like demeanor. I've been reading the word of wisdom almost daily. I've been trying to follow it closer. The diet is so important. We know when we eat good food, we feel happy, and when we don't, we feel bad. Its just how our bodies work. I'm not saying that we should never have that pie, or peach cobbler, or ice cream, but moderation is a must. Some of the changes that I've felt over the last few months from my medications has shown me the power of the human body, but also what a delicate machine it really is. Its must be lubricated and cleaned, and we must be careful not to overheat it. Here's a challenge for you guys this week. Forgo the soda. Pass on that dessert. Instead of a sandwich, go for a salad. Try with me to make healthy food choices this week. I'd love to hear how you guys do! Until next week!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
We're Coming Out: Our experience with Infertility
Hello again! I was touched by the responses to my last post. Thanks for the support guys! Today I'm going to talk about my infertility. I feel that this will be the most difficult post for me, so I decided to get it out of the way now. I hope that I don't offend anyone with my openness. There are many different emotions you experience with infertility. You go from angry to depressed to a raging lunatic. I am going to be very forward in this post. Those of you who have dealt with this understand there are certain things you feel you can't tell people. There are things that other people do and say that are very hurtful, and it takes all your self control to not smack them upside the head (not all of you have such impulses). Any of you have had the same experiences, or who would like to show your support to Joshua and I, we would love to hear from you guys. Infertility is something we don't really talk about. I think that's because it makes other people uncomfortable. You don't always know how to respond when someone tells you they are having issues conceiving. If you feel awkward when someone gives you this information, you can only imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it can be for those of us who are asked all the time.
"When are you guys planning on having kids?"
"Do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about children yet?"
"You better hurry, or it won't happen."(yes someone actually said this to me, like my ovaries were going to shrivel up).
My friends who have struggled with infertility, don't let your blood boil too much. People are stupid. We live in a society that doesn't put much stock in tact. I mentioned in my last post that one of the symptoms of PCOS is infertility, so I want to share a little bit about how that has affected Joshua and I. As a fifteen year old I wasn't thinking about kids. I was the girl that thought I wouldn't get married until I was 25, graduated from college, all that jazz. Obviously that didn't work out because I met a very charming and quirky returned missionary who stole my heart. During our engagement, we talked about kids a lot. We were excited for that part of our lives. Both of us have been promised in our Patriarchal Blessings that we will be parents. I already knew that it could be a challenge for us, but I knew that we had been promised and I had faith that it would happen.
So for our first year of marriage I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy (which I'm sure I didn't need) and to regulate my cycles. At this point it had been nearly four years since I'd had a period. Not long after we were married, I was baby hungry. We got a cat, which helped for a while, but then the hunger returned fairly quickly and very forcefully. We got a second cat, which helped again for a little while. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to church without crying because there were so many kids around. I love children. It's part of the reason I want to be a teacher. At the time I was serving in the nursery, and that became a source of hurt because none of these kids were mine. We finally decided that we needed to do something about it.
We had fasted and prayed, fasted some more, prayed some more, and attended the temple regularly, but we just weren't getting an answer. No definite yes and no definite no. We poured over our Patriarchal Blessings and ponder them until we had headaches. Finally we asked a different question. We asked if I should stop taking my birth control. The answer was a definite yes. I stopped using it immediately. I thought that since I had been on it for so long that maybe my cycles would be somewhat normal, or at least continue for a while. They didn't. They stopped completely. So I was back to normal (for my body at least). At this point we couldn't go to a doctor because we couldn't afford it and insurance wouldn't cover it. So for the next year, nothing happened. Then a lot of our friends started having babies. Friends from high school had babies, mission companions and friends, relatives. It was like some virus had infected everyone but me. Every time I got on Facebook, someone was pregnant.
I began to feel very discouraged, but I was determined that at some point my body might do something. I have always felt that the body is an awesome machine. God made our bodies to do certain things and I just knew that my body knew what it needed to do. I've come to accept now that it doesn't, or if it does, it's got so many obstacles in the way that it can't do what it needs to. Now we had reached the point that people were starting to ask us about it. At first it was okay, because it was only out of curiosity, but it slowly turned into something very painful. I remember one woman at church started talking to me about children, and asked when we were planning on having them. I began to make up excuses of school and financial circumstances, you know, the usual reasons why you would put off having children. She looked me straight in the face and said "Not having children is breaking a commandment. God expects obedience." I was absolutely shocked. I started to cry. With all the self control I could muster I said "God gave me ovaries that don't work, so when he blesses my ovaries to work properly I will be happen to keep that commandment." Now, I should say, I am not angry with God. This is a challenge that he has given me, and I feel that all the challenges we go through give us perspective on life that other people don't get. Perspective is exactly what the Savior needed in order for the Atonement to be all encompassing. If he didn't have the perspective and experience of our sins and trials, how would he have been able to understand us and succor us? But even Christ asked the Father if there was another way for this to be accomplished.
I don't think that people mean to be ignorant, but they are. All of us are. We are so ignorant to the struggles of others. As people kept asking I would find ways to avoid the question, or make it extremely awkward for them. I remember a coworker asked me when we planned to have a baby, and a kindly responded that I thought it would happen nine months from that morning. I know most people aren't doing it to be mean. They are mostly curious, and let's be honest, a tiny version of Joshua and I would be adorable. However, when your asked if you plan on having kids, to someone who is trying and not having success it sounds like this (at least to me).
"Are you having sex enough?"
"Are you trying hard enough?"
Sometimes it can come across as "What's wrong with you?"
It's very personal. It's stressful. I have a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that I can't give my sweet husband, who would be a wonderful father, a child. I would like to give him a little boy to wrestle around with and to be proud of. I long for the day I get to see Joshua hold our tiny baby in his big arms (for those of you who haven't seen him with a baby, it's the most precious sight I've ever seen). I am constantly at war with myself. I am always questioning what I am suppose to learn from this, and if I've done something to offend God because the blessing of motherhood I've been promised is being withheld even though it is a righteous desire. I feel like less of a woman because this is my calling in life. It is a feeling that somehow I am lower than other women. I have been made to feel that way too, when others tell me that I can't understand because I don't have children, or my life is less busy because I don't have a two year old to run after, or when they say that I don't know what tired is until I have kids. You have no idea how badly I want to experience that fatigue, gain the knowledge and experience you have. It truly bothers me when others complain about their children. I understand that being a mother is challenging, and some days you are at your wits end, but to those of us who are praying for children, we wish we had the opportunity to be the nurturer, the entertainer, the nose and tear wiper, the cuddler, the one who runs to the rescue when they get hurt, the one who is the only person who can soothe their crying, the one who is constantly being called for even when you just need a moment to yourself...we wish we could do all the things that you have to do and that you've learned to do so well. You are living our dream. It may not be the most glamorous or well paid, and there may be other things that you wish you were able to achieve, but it is a dream. At the end of the day, you have bettered that little ones life. At the end of my day, I try to sleep without thinking about how empty my arms feel. Most days I try to avoid any kind of emotion. That is the stage that I am in. I'm sure it will get better, and I will have good and bad days, but its hard to shake the fear that I will never know that kind of joy until the next life.
It's gotten to the point now that I have a hard time being around babies at all. When my niece was born, I was terrified. I thought that I wouldn't be able to love her because I had so much bitterness in my heart, not towards her parents, but my own inability to create life. I'm so in love with her though! I look at her and I feel that somehow she is a comfort for my aching arms and heart. I wish we lived closer to them so that Joshua and I could see her more, but her mom sends out pictures all the time and her little face makes me so happy. It has been nearly two and a half years since I stopped taking birth control. I've since started hormone treatments to help regulate my cycles. My doctor says that PCOS is the most treatable cause of infertility. I keep reading about all of these success stories and miracles. I hope that I will be next. The success rate of my treatment is about 80%, but I'm not one for statistics.
Thank you all for reading. I hope this was insightful. My prayer is that we will be sensitive to others, especially as women. We are hard enough on ourselves. Be a listening ear. Be the shoulder to cry on. We have been called to strengthen the feeble knees and to bare one anothers burdens. We must be kind. We should not judge others in matters that are between them, their spouse and the Lord. We never know the kinds of inner struggles that others have. We never know if someone is just putting on a brave face and saying they're "okay" because they have no other choice. Be the one to help them continue to be brave.
"When are you guys planning on having kids?"
"Do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about children yet?"
"You better hurry, or it won't happen."(yes someone actually said this to me, like my ovaries were going to shrivel up).
My friends who have struggled with infertility, don't let your blood boil too much. People are stupid. We live in a society that doesn't put much stock in tact. I mentioned in my last post that one of the symptoms of PCOS is infertility, so I want to share a little bit about how that has affected Joshua and I. As a fifteen year old I wasn't thinking about kids. I was the girl that thought I wouldn't get married until I was 25, graduated from college, all that jazz. Obviously that didn't work out because I met a very charming and quirky returned missionary who stole my heart. During our engagement, we talked about kids a lot. We were excited for that part of our lives. Both of us have been promised in our Patriarchal Blessings that we will be parents. I already knew that it could be a challenge for us, but I knew that we had been promised and I had faith that it would happen.
So for our first year of marriage I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy (which I'm sure I didn't need) and to regulate my cycles. At this point it had been nearly four years since I'd had a period. Not long after we were married, I was baby hungry. We got a cat, which helped for a while, but then the hunger returned fairly quickly and very forcefully. We got a second cat, which helped again for a little while. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to church without crying because there were so many kids around. I love children. It's part of the reason I want to be a teacher. At the time I was serving in the nursery, and that became a source of hurt because none of these kids were mine. We finally decided that we needed to do something about it.
We had fasted and prayed, fasted some more, prayed some more, and attended the temple regularly, but we just weren't getting an answer. No definite yes and no definite no. We poured over our Patriarchal Blessings and ponder them until we had headaches. Finally we asked a different question. We asked if I should stop taking my birth control. The answer was a definite yes. I stopped using it immediately. I thought that since I had been on it for so long that maybe my cycles would be somewhat normal, or at least continue for a while. They didn't. They stopped completely. So I was back to normal (for my body at least). At this point we couldn't go to a doctor because we couldn't afford it and insurance wouldn't cover it. So for the next year, nothing happened. Then a lot of our friends started having babies. Friends from high school had babies, mission companions and friends, relatives. It was like some virus had infected everyone but me. Every time I got on Facebook, someone was pregnant.
I don't think that people mean to be ignorant, but they are. All of us are. We are so ignorant to the struggles of others. As people kept asking I would find ways to avoid the question, or make it extremely awkward for them. I remember a coworker asked me when we planned to have a baby, and a kindly responded that I thought it would happen nine months from that morning. I know most people aren't doing it to be mean. They are mostly curious, and let's be honest, a tiny version of Joshua and I would be adorable. However, when your asked if you plan on having kids, to someone who is trying and not having success it sounds like this (at least to me).
"Are you having sex enough?"
"Are you trying hard enough?"
Sometimes it can come across as "What's wrong with you?"
It's very personal. It's stressful. I have a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that I can't give my sweet husband, who would be a wonderful father, a child. I would like to give him a little boy to wrestle around with and to be proud of. I long for the day I get to see Joshua hold our tiny baby in his big arms (for those of you who haven't seen him with a baby, it's the most precious sight I've ever seen). I am constantly at war with myself. I am always questioning what I am suppose to learn from this, and if I've done something to offend God because the blessing of motherhood I've been promised is being withheld even though it is a righteous desire. I feel like less of a woman because this is my calling in life. It is a feeling that somehow I am lower than other women. I have been made to feel that way too, when others tell me that I can't understand because I don't have children, or my life is less busy because I don't have a two year old to run after, or when they say that I don't know what tired is until I have kids. You have no idea how badly I want to experience that fatigue, gain the knowledge and experience you have. It truly bothers me when others complain about their children. I understand that being a mother is challenging, and some days you are at your wits end, but to those of us who are praying for children, we wish we had the opportunity to be the nurturer, the entertainer, the nose and tear wiper, the cuddler, the one who runs to the rescue when they get hurt, the one who is the only person who can soothe their crying, the one who is constantly being called for even when you just need a moment to yourself...we wish we could do all the things that you have to do and that you've learned to do so well. You are living our dream. It may not be the most glamorous or well paid, and there may be other things that you wish you were able to achieve, but it is a dream. At the end of the day, you have bettered that little ones life. At the end of my day, I try to sleep without thinking about how empty my arms feel. Most days I try to avoid any kind of emotion. That is the stage that I am in. I'm sure it will get better, and I will have good and bad days, but its hard to shake the fear that I will never know that kind of joy until the next life.
It's gotten to the point now that I have a hard time being around babies at all. When my niece was born, I was terrified. I thought that I wouldn't be able to love her because I had so much bitterness in my heart, not towards her parents, but my own inability to create life. I'm so in love with her though! I look at her and I feel that somehow she is a comfort for my aching arms and heart. I wish we lived closer to them so that Joshua and I could see her more, but her mom sends out pictures all the time and her little face makes me so happy. It has been nearly two and a half years since I stopped taking birth control. I've since started hormone treatments to help regulate my cycles. My doctor says that PCOS is the most treatable cause of infertility. I keep reading about all of these success stories and miracles. I hope that I will be next. The success rate of my treatment is about 80%, but I'm not one for statistics.
Thank you all for reading. I hope this was insightful. My prayer is that we will be sensitive to others, especially as women. We are hard enough on ourselves. Be a listening ear. Be the shoulder to cry on. We have been called to strengthen the feeble knees and to bare one anothers burdens. We must be kind. We should not judge others in matters that are between them, their spouse and the Lord. We never know the kinds of inner struggles that others have. We never know if someone is just putting on a brave face and saying they're "okay" because they have no other choice. Be the one to help them continue to be brave.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Introduction: What the heck is PCOS?
Hello Readers!
Welcome to my first post. Glad you are here reading! I asked if I were to write a blog about PCOS if anyone would read it. I had enough people say yes that I finally decided to do it. I have felt for a long time that I needed to do this, for some of my friends and family who are struggling with this disorder, those who don't know about it and are wondering what I'm talking about, as well as for myself. It's very therapeutic to get your thoughts out in the open. As a warning, I will be very open about my experience. PCOS is not fun, comfortable or easy to deal with it. It is...an absolute roller coaster that you never get off of. Most of what I will talk about is from my own experiences, but this disorder differs in severity from person to person. My hope is to educate others as I continue to educate myself.
To start I feel I should explain Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) to those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't feel bad. This disorder is not well known. In fact for some of you this may be the first time you've ever heard about it. PCOS is an Endocrine disorder. To put simply, its a disorder in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. Basically my body makes too much testosterone, and too little woman hormones like estrogen and progesterone. Doctors aren't entirely sure what causes this. They think it could be genetics, but they aren't sure. This disorder usually starts with puberty, but many women don't end up getting diagnosed until later. I was lucky to be diagnosed at fifteen. I was one of those girls who hit puberty earlier than everyone else. By the time I was in high school I was still not regular (or as regular as a fifteen year old would be). I was lucky to have two periods a year, and I never knew when they would come. Most of my friends were fairly regular, so you can imagine I was starting to wonder what was going on. My mother decided to take me to a Gynecologist to make sure everything was okay. Well it wasn't.
There are a lot of symptoms to look for, the most common being irregular cycles. This was the only symptom I had until I graduated high school. I had started birth control to regulate my cycles, but didn't like it so I stopped taking it. I ignored my body for three years without any real problems. After I graduated however, things really took a nose dive. I gained a lot of weight. Not your normal freshman fifteen (I gained that in two weeks!). I gained more to the tune of 40 in a year after high school. Scary right?! Weight gain is normal for women with PCOS. Our bodies can develop a resistance to Insulin. Because of this women with PCOS are more at risk for diabetes. Usually symptoms are mild at first. As I said earlier, no two cases are the same. Here's a list of some of the symptoms:
To my sweet friends and family who have this disorder, I really appreciate your support and I hope that this will help you all as much as it helps me. If you have any thoughts or stories that you would like me to share on here I would love to hear from you! To my friends and family who are reading this out of support for me and to understand this better, you have no idea how much it means to me. I have really struggled the last few years with deep depression and anxiety. Constant prayer has carried me to writing to help myself overcome these challenges. Your love and support are very uplifting. For a long time I felt ashamed to tell anyone about this. I was afraid that people wouldn't understand, that it would be too hard to explain, etc. I have no shame now. I have come to accept this as a part of my life. Without this challenge in my life, I would not have had the perspective I needed to lift some women I've met who needed it, and in turn be lifted by them. I am very thankful to the Lord for the challenges that he has placed before me, and the opportunities to grow. Thank you all for reading! Look next week for a new post!
Welcome to my first post. Glad you are here reading! I asked if I were to write a blog about PCOS if anyone would read it. I had enough people say yes that I finally decided to do it. I have felt for a long time that I needed to do this, for some of my friends and family who are struggling with this disorder, those who don't know about it and are wondering what I'm talking about, as well as for myself. It's very therapeutic to get your thoughts out in the open. As a warning, I will be very open about my experience. PCOS is not fun, comfortable or easy to deal with it. It is...an absolute roller coaster that you never get off of. Most of what I will talk about is from my own experiences, but this disorder differs in severity from person to person. My hope is to educate others as I continue to educate myself.
To start I feel I should explain Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) to those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't feel bad. This disorder is not well known. In fact for some of you this may be the first time you've ever heard about it. PCOS is an Endocrine disorder. To put simply, its a disorder in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. Basically my body makes too much testosterone, and too little woman hormones like estrogen and progesterone. Doctors aren't entirely sure what causes this. They think it could be genetics, but they aren't sure. This disorder usually starts with puberty, but many women don't end up getting diagnosed until later. I was lucky to be diagnosed at fifteen. I was one of those girls who hit puberty earlier than everyone else. By the time I was in high school I was still not regular (or as regular as a fifteen year old would be). I was lucky to have two periods a year, and I never knew when they would come. Most of my friends were fairly regular, so you can imagine I was starting to wonder what was going on. My mother decided to take me to a Gynecologist to make sure everything was okay. Well it wasn't.
There are a lot of symptoms to look for, the most common being irregular cycles. This was the only symptom I had until I graduated high school. I had started birth control to regulate my cycles, but didn't like it so I stopped taking it. I ignored my body for three years without any real problems. After I graduated however, things really took a nose dive. I gained a lot of weight. Not your normal freshman fifteen (I gained that in two weeks!). I gained more to the tune of 40 in a year after high school. Scary right?! Weight gain is normal for women with PCOS. Our bodies can develop a resistance to Insulin. Because of this women with PCOS are more at risk for diabetes. Usually symptoms are mild at first. As I said earlier, no two cases are the same. Here's a list of some of the symptoms:
- Acne
- Weight gain and trouble losing weight
- Extra hair on the face and body (I'm talking dark hair! I have to shave or wax my face people!)
- Thinning hair on scalp
- Irregular periods. Some have fewer than nine periods a year. Some have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
- Fertility problems (This is one that has caused much heartache for Joshua and I)
- Depression/Anxiety
To my sweet friends and family who have this disorder, I really appreciate your support and I hope that this will help you all as much as it helps me. If you have any thoughts or stories that you would like me to share on here I would love to hear from you! To my friends and family who are reading this out of support for me and to understand this better, you have no idea how much it means to me. I have really struggled the last few years with deep depression and anxiety. Constant prayer has carried me to writing to help myself overcome these challenges. Your love and support are very uplifting. For a long time I felt ashamed to tell anyone about this. I was afraid that people wouldn't understand, that it would be too hard to explain, etc. I have no shame now. I have come to accept this as a part of my life. Without this challenge in my life, I would not have had the perspective I needed to lift some women I've met who needed it, and in turn be lifted by them. I am very thankful to the Lord for the challenges that he has placed before me, and the opportunities to grow. Thank you all for reading! Look next week for a new post!
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