We're Coming Out: Our experience with Infertility

Hello again! I was touched by the responses to my last post. Thanks for the support guys! Today I'm going to talk about my infertility. I feel that this will be the most difficult post for me, so I decided to get it out of the way now. I hope that I don't offend anyone with my openness. There are many different emotions you experience with infertility. You go from angry to depressed to a raging lunatic. I am going to be very forward in this post. Those of you who have dealt with this understand there are certain things you feel you can't tell people. There are things that other people do and say that are very hurtful, and it takes all your self control to not smack them upside the head (not all of you have such impulses). Any of you have had the same experiences, or who would like to show your support to Joshua and I, we would love to hear from you guys. Infertility is something we don't really talk about. I think that's because it makes other people uncomfortable. You don't always know how to respond when someone tells you they are having issues conceiving. If you feel awkward when someone gives you this information, you can only imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it can be for those of us who are asked all the time.
"When are you guys planning on having kids?"
"Do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about children yet?"
"You better hurry, or it won't happen."(yes someone actually said this to me, like my ovaries were going to shrivel up).
My friends who have struggled with infertility, don't let your blood boil too much. People are stupid. We live in a society that doesn't put much stock in tact. I mentioned in my last post that one of the symptoms of PCOS is infertility, so I want to share a little bit about how that has affected Joshua and I. As a fifteen year old I wasn't thinking about kids. I was the girl that thought I wouldn't get married until I was 25, graduated from college, all that jazz. Obviously that didn't work out because I met a very charming and quirky returned missionary who stole my heart. During our engagement, we talked about kids a lot. We were excited for that part of our lives. Both of us have been promised in our Patriarchal Blessings that we will be parents. I already knew that it could be a challenge for us, but I knew that we had been promised and I had faith that it would happen.
So for our first year of marriage I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy (which I'm sure I didn't need) and to regulate my cycles. At this point it had been nearly four years since I'd had a period. Not long after we were married, I was baby hungry. We got a cat, which helped for a while, but then the hunger returned fairly quickly  and very forcefully. We got a second cat, which helped again for a little while. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to church without crying because there were so many kids around. I love children. It's part of the reason I want to be a teacher. At the time I was serving in the nursery, and that became a source of hurt because none of these kids were mine. We finally decided that we needed to do something about it.
We had fasted and prayed, fasted some more, prayed some more, and attended the temple regularly, but we just weren't getting an answer. No definite yes and no definite no. We poured over our Patriarchal Blessings and ponder them until we had headaches. Finally we asked a different question. We asked if I should stop taking my birth control. The answer was a definite yes. I stopped using it immediately. I thought that since I had been on it for so long that maybe my cycles would be somewhat normal, or at least continue for a while. They didn't. They stopped completely. So I was back to normal (for my body at least). At this point we couldn't go to a doctor because we couldn't afford it and insurance wouldn't cover it. So for the next year, nothing happened. Then a lot of our friends started having babies. Friends from high school had babies, mission companions and friends, relatives. It was like some virus had infected everyone but me. Every time I got on Facebook, someone was pregnant.

I began to feel very discouraged, but I was determined that at some point my body might do something. I have always felt that the body is an awesome machine. God made our bodies to do certain things and I just knew that my body knew what it needed to do. I've come to accept now that it doesn't, or if it does, it's got so many obstacles in the way that it can't do what it needs to. Now we had reached the point that people were starting to ask us about it. At first it was okay, because it was only out of curiosity, but it slowly turned into something very painful. I remember one woman at church started talking to me about children, and asked when we were planning on having them. I began to make up excuses of school and financial circumstances, you know, the usual reasons why you would put off having children. She looked me straight in the face and said "Not having children is breaking a commandment. God expects obedience." I was absolutely shocked. I started to cry. With all the self control I could muster I said "God gave me ovaries that don't work, so when he blesses my ovaries to work properly I will be happen to keep that commandment." Now, I should say, I am not angry with God. This is a challenge that he has given me, and I feel that all the challenges we go through give us perspective on life that other people don't get. Perspective is exactly what the Savior needed in order for the Atonement to be all encompassing. If he didn't have the perspective and experience of our sins and trials, how would he have been able to understand us and succor us? But even Christ asked the Father if there was another way for this to be accomplished.
I don't think that people mean to be ignorant, but they are. All of us are. We are so ignorant to the struggles of others. As people kept asking I would find ways to avoid the question, or make it extremely awkward for them. I remember a coworker asked me when we planned to have a baby, and a kindly responded that I thought it would happen nine months from that morning. I know most people aren't doing it to be mean. They are mostly curious, and let's be honest, a tiny version of Joshua and I would be adorable. However, when your asked if you plan on having kids, to someone who is trying and not having success it sounds like this (at least to me).
"Are you having sex enough?"
"Are you trying hard enough?"
Sometimes it can come across as "What's wrong with you?"
It's very personal. It's stressful. I have a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that I can't give my sweet husband, who would be a wonderful father, a child. I would like to give him a little boy to wrestle around with and to be proud of. I long for the day I get to see Joshua hold our tiny baby in his big arms (for those of you who haven't seen him with a baby, it's the most precious sight I've ever seen). I am constantly at war with myself. I am always questioning what I am suppose to learn from this, and if I've done something to offend God because the blessing of motherhood I've been promised is being withheld even though it is a righteous desire. I feel like less of a woman because this is my calling in life. It is a feeling that somehow I am lower than other women. I have been made to feel that way too, when others tell me that I can't understand because I don't have children, or my life is less busy because I don't have a two year old to run after, or when they say that I don't know what tired is until I have kids. You have no idea how badly I want to experience that fatigue, gain the knowledge and experience you have. It truly bothers me when others complain about their children. I understand that being a mother is challenging, and some days you are at your wits end, but to those of us who are praying for children, we wish we had the opportunity to be the nurturer, the entertainer, the nose and tear wiper, the cuddler, the one who runs to the rescue when they get hurt, the one who is the only person who can soothe their crying, the one who is constantly being called for even when you just need a moment to yourself...we wish we could do all the things that you have to do and that you've learned to do so well. You are living our dream. It may not be the most glamorous or well paid, and there may be other things that you wish you were able to achieve, but it is a dream. At the end of the day, you have bettered that little ones life. At the end of my day, I try to sleep without thinking about how empty my arms feel. Most days I try to avoid any kind of emotion. That is the stage that I am in. I'm sure it will get better, and I will have good and bad days, but its hard to shake the fear that I will never know that kind of joy until the next life.
It's gotten to the point now that I have a hard time being around babies at all. When my niece was born, I was terrified. I thought that I wouldn't be able to love her because I had so much bitterness in my heart, not towards her parents, but my own inability to create life. I'm so in love with her though! I look at her and I feel that somehow she is a comfort for my aching arms and heart. I wish we lived closer to them so that Joshua and I could see her more, but her mom sends out pictures all the time and her little face makes me so happy. It has been nearly two and a half years since I stopped taking birth control. I've since started hormone treatments to help regulate my cycles. My doctor says that PCOS is the most treatable cause of infertility. I keep reading about all of these success stories and miracles. I hope that I will be next. The success rate of my treatment is about 80%, but I'm not one for statistics.
Thank you all for reading. I hope this was insightful. My prayer is that we will be sensitive to others, especially as women. We are hard enough on ourselves. Be a listening ear. Be the shoulder to cry on. We have been called to strengthen the feeble knees and to bare one anothers burdens. We must be kind. We should not judge others in matters that are between them, their spouse and the Lord. We never know the kinds of inner struggles that others have. We never know if someone is just putting on a brave face and saying they're "okay" because they have no other choice. Be the one to help them continue to be brave.