Taking the Next Step

*Just a warning for you readers, this post will involve talk about my menstrual cycle.*

This month has been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not only are finals coming up, but Joshua and I took a leap of faith this month. We decided that I should stop taking my Progesterone. My Doctor had advised us that this was the next step. We needed to see if my body would kick start itself. So I didn't take my Progesterone...and waited...and waited. The whole time we waited I prayed that my body would do something. I didn't care if I was pregnant or not, I just wanted my body to do something...anything! Well...four pregnancy tests later and still no visit from Aunt Flow we are back to the drawing board.

While I'm a little frustrated, I had a thought today about what I prayed throughout this month. I didn't just pray that this little science experiment would go well, I also prayed fervently that I would be able to understand God's plan in all of this. Today Joshua and I were able to have a conversation about this. We came to the conclusion that the Lord must love us immensely. We have been given a great privilege. We have a great opportunity to humble ourselves and become submissive to His will. 

Sometimes we wonder why the Lord doesn't give us the righteous desires of our hearts. We often feel cheated in some way that we asked and didn't receive. What we sometimes forget is that God is literally our Father. He knows better than we do. Like our earthly parents, even though He may want to give us everything we ask for, He knows that we won't learn anything from that. If we got everything we asked for, we wouldn't learn to appreciate what we have. God isn't punishing us, playing favorites or simply ignoring us. He is simply giving us the opportunity to stretch and grow. 

As difficult as this challenge has been, I am grateful that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to allow me to gain some new perspective and grow. I will be starting some new medications after my next cycle. Hopefully this will be a good change. It will be interesting to see how I adjust to the change. 

Pondering God's Plan

Today I've been a little lost in thought. Some of you know that I've been keeping track of the progress our sweet baby would've been making. Whether this is healthy or not I don't know, but I somehow feel bonded to baby Larsen even more by doing this. Baby Larsen's estimated due date is slowly approaching. This week I would've been 31 weeks along. It seems so crazy to me how the time moves along without us even noticing.

I think I have been brought to think about this due to the amount of pregnancies around me. My sister-in-law is pregnant again, two of my cousins are pregnant again and one just had a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them and pray for them all and hope that everything goes smoothly for them. For me there is this sense of emptiness that comes from watching others conceive and begin their families. I feel like I am that kid on the playground that never gets picked to play. There are so many things that couples dealing with infertility feel that they miss out on. All the love that they have to share is nearly bursting and they have to try to find other outlets for it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it can also be an extremely painful feeling when there is no way for it to grow.

I go through many moments of frustration. Most days I'm okay, and then I get blindsided by pregnancy announcements or even those cute little suits for babies that you see at the store, and a wave of mixed emotions comes over me. I try to ignore these things as much as I can, or avoid them, but they always somehow find their way into my life. I find myself beginning to ask the question with the most illusive answer...Why? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my body suck? Why do I have to stand by and watch all of these other women get adorably round while I continue to just get fat? I is God punishing me? Why did my baby die before it even really lived? Why?! Why?!?! Why?!?!?!

As I've prayed for the answer to my absolutely ridiculous questions, the answer has come to me. There is no answer. I don't know the answer, nor do I think I ever will know it. I may not know the answer until I'm dead. And you know what? That's okay. I feel very much like Nephi. I know that God loves His children, but I don't know the meaning of all things. I have come up with an answer to something though. God doesn't willfully cause what he allows for His own purposes. God didn't take my baby, but He did allow that little spirit to return to Him. I don't know why and I may never know why. What I do know is that through Christ's atonement all of my losses will be made up. Someday I will have wisdom to share from this experience, and hopefully I can pass God's love on to others in the process.