Pondering God's Plan

Today I've been a little lost in thought. Some of you know that I've been keeping track of the progress our sweet baby would've been making. Whether this is healthy or not I don't know, but I somehow feel bonded to baby Larsen even more by doing this. Baby Larsen's estimated due date is slowly approaching. This week I would've been 31 weeks along. It seems so crazy to me how the time moves along without us even noticing.

I think I have been brought to think about this due to the amount of pregnancies around me. My sister-in-law is pregnant again, two of my cousins are pregnant again and one just had a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them and pray for them all and hope that everything goes smoothly for them. For me there is this sense of emptiness that comes from watching others conceive and begin their families. I feel like I am that kid on the playground that never gets picked to play. There are so many things that couples dealing with infertility feel that they miss out on. All the love that they have to share is nearly bursting and they have to try to find other outlets for it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it can also be an extremely painful feeling when there is no way for it to grow.

I go through many moments of frustration. Most days I'm okay, and then I get blindsided by pregnancy announcements or even those cute little suits for babies that you see at the store, and a wave of mixed emotions comes over me. I try to ignore these things as much as I can, or avoid them, but they always somehow find their way into my life. I find myself beginning to ask the question with the most illusive answer...Why? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my body suck? Why do I have to stand by and watch all of these other women get adorably round while I continue to just get fat? I is God punishing me? Why did my baby die before it even really lived? Why?! Why?!?! Why?!?!?!

As I've prayed for the answer to my absolutely ridiculous questions, the answer has come to me. There is no answer. I don't know the answer, nor do I think I ever will know it. I may not know the answer until I'm dead. And you know what? That's okay. I feel very much like Nephi. I know that God loves His children, but I don't know the meaning of all things. I have come up with an answer to something though. God doesn't willfully cause what he allows for His own purposes. God didn't take my baby, but He did allow that little spirit to return to Him. I don't know why and I may never know why. What I do know is that through Christ's atonement all of my losses will be made up. Someday I will have wisdom to share from this experience, and hopefully I can pass God's love on to others in the process.