The Light in the Distance

Hello Everyone! I hope you are all doing well! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Life has been busy. Joshua and I just bought our first home in Saratoga Springs,
and life has finally slowed down just a little.

So, today I'm feeling quite hopeful. It's been awhile since I've felt this way. I try not to allow myself to feel too hopeful in order keep myself intact. Its quite easy for me to lose my crap when I get too hopeful. There have been some great improvements. This last cycle...I OVULATED! ON MY OWN! This is such an achievement for me. I have been going in for blood tests to check my progesterone levels since home tests lie to me all the time. My first test I was expecting it to be like the others. Every month its been,"Nope, your ovaries hate you. Try not to tick them off next month." This time was different. I don't know why it was different, but my levels indicate that I did ovulate. My doctor had me go in for another test just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke and guess what? My levels increased! While they are not as high as they should be, it is progress and we will take it. My doctor wants to start me on an HCG shot along with the Letrozole I've been taking. This should help my progesterone levels increase to where they need to be. I am not excited about this. I have to inject them myself, or rather Joshua will be injecting them since I don't think I will be brave enough.

I find I am allowing myself to get excited to see what the next few months brings. We now have an extra room that is completely empty, and I can't help but think about what it will be like to fill it with baby things. I have saved so many nursery plans from Pinterest its not even funny. I don't know that this is a good thing for me to get so worked up. In the back of my mind I have this nagging voice that tells me to protect myself so I don't go crazy, but I also feel that things are beginning to change.

I think about how it must've felt for the Savior. He knew He had to endure all of this pain. He was mocked by His people, betrayed my His friend, suffered for our sins, whipped and beaten, publicly humiliated and crucified. There had to have been times when He felt despair. I'm sure that there were times when the only thing that He could do to keep Himself going was to know that He would return to His Father. He focused on the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. While we all have our struggles and some of our tunnels are darker than others or longer than others, we can all focus on that light. It's okay to sit down and take a break if you become weary, but we should always keep our eyes on the light in the distance.

Round Four: Ovaries 2, Larsen's 1

Well...what started out as an exciting month has rapidly turned into another mountain to climb. Not to be a downer, but I'm really sick of hiking. 

My last ultrasound everything was looking great. I've had positive ovulation tests all week long. I am now six days late, but I'm not pregnant. Nor did my blood work indicate that I actually ovulated at all.  So Joshua and I continue to be perplexed and wonder why in the world my ovaries continue to be so stubborn. 

I'm trying to just remember that there is something to learn from all of this. I don't know what that is, but I obviously haven't learned it yet. There's a part of me that is wanting to give up, but there is also a part of me that knows that I can't. We will try this for one more month. I don't know what we will do after that. I hope that we won't have to do anything after that. I can't lie and say that I'm not upset...that doesn't even describe how I feel. I just pray that I can learn to be accepting of my challenges, rather than feel hindered by them. 

I ask for all the prayers any of you can spare. 

Round Three: It's a tie!

Just an update for any of you who would like to know. On Monday I had another ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Letrozole. I think I mentioned in my last post that my Doctor had upped my dosage and had me take it for ten days instead of five. So I went in, honestly not really expecting anything. I've become accustomed to failure in this area. I decided not to let myself get too hopeful, that way I wouldn't go crazy when it didn't work.

As we went through the ultrasound, my Doctor double checked all my measurements and counted all my follicles. All was looking like business as usual. She then moved over to my left ovary and BOOM! There was a massive dominant follicle! I am no expert, but I've seen my ovaries enough that I know what they look like. I immediately started to tear up. This will be the first time that I've ovulated since baby Larsen.

Joshua and I prayed very hard about what medication we should take, and we really felt that the Letrozole would be the one. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's guidance in all of this. He has helped us to know what path to choose. I don't know that we will conceive this month (being honest I don't think we will), but that's okay. I am just glad the the Lord has blessed us that my body is doing what it is suppose to be.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. We have felt them and they lift us up.

Round Two: Ovaries 1, Larsens 0

This morning I went to my see my Endocrinologist to have an ultrasound. We had upped my dose of letrozole and were checking to see if I was responding to it. So basically what they look for is to see if the follicles in my ovaries have increased in size, which will indicate that the medication is working. The ultrasound machine allows them to be able to take measurements  of my uterus, my ovaries and the follicles. It's fascinating to watch and be able to see what is going on inside your body. My doctor counted 30 follicles on each ovary, which is great!

There was good news and bad news. I am not responding to the medication, which is really disappointing for me because I felt so strongly that this was the one I needed to take. I prayed long and hard to know which medication would yield the best results and what would be best for my body. The good news is there are options. My ovaries have decided to be stubborn, so what we will do is take a higher dose of letrozole (three a day for ten days) and see if that will be enough to stimulate them. My doctor is so positive. I always leave her office feeling like I can do it.

Admittedly I am feeling down. Infertility is something that is so alienating. Even though others are as supportive as they can be, you just feel that you don't belong. You feel extremely inadequate next to other women. There are so many emotions that you feel every day and every month that you can't explain to others.

I have thought about the Atonement this week. What does it do for me. I can see my spirit walking up to the Savior in the garden and telling him everything that was ever going to happen to me. I can't fathom how He could understand what I feel, or how He could possibly have felt all the physical ailments that I do and will experience. I know though that somehow He did and He does. I was able to attend the temple and feel a confirmation of peace. I know that there will be ups and downs, that there will be days that I struggle, but I also know that one day, because of Christ's sacrifice, I will be able to do all that I wish I could do here. I will be able to have a healthy body. I will have children. I will be alright.

Treatment Update: Round One of Letrozole

Just a quick update for all of you. I started taking letrozole and waiting patiently to see if I ovulated. Okay, so maybe I wasn't very patient about it, but who can blame me? Fathers day was coming and I couldn't help but think about what a great Fathers Day gift that would be to my Hubby. He's been such a rock while I ride my wild roller coaster.

We went to St. George while I was supposed to be ovulating. The first morning I took a test and it was positive I was ecstatic! This is the first time I've ovulated since Baby Larsen, so it was a big deal for Joshua and I.  I continued to take them for the next few days and they were all positive. Then all of a sudden my period started and confusion set in. My doctor had told me that there was a chance that home ovulation tests may not work for me.

When we came home from St. George we went to the hospital to have my blood drawn. My doctor wanted to check my progesterone levels to see if I had actually ovulated or not. I just got the results this morning and they indicate that I didn't. So the new plan is to up my dosage of letrozole and then go in for an ultrasound to see if I'm even responding to it.

Even though things didn't go as planned this time around, I still feel confident that things will work. All your prayers are appreciated and felt.

9 Things Not To Say To TTC Women

So this is a little bit of a rant, but hopefully this will be educational for everyone. I'm sure that I've mentioned before that sometimes people say stupid things when you tell them that you're dealing with Infertility. Now, I'm sure that most of these come from a good place, but just as there are things you never say to pregnant women, there are things you should never say to women who are trying to conceive.

1) "You're not pregnant yet?!"

Yes, this was said by someone who is perfectly aware of our situation. I don't think this one really needs any explanation. I classify it under Word Vomit. A more appropriate way to ask about it is saying something like, "How are your treatments going?" or "How was your last doctors appointment?"

2) "I understand. It took us month to get pregnant."

Really? Again, I don't really think that this needs explanation. Instead just say, "I'm sorry that this is so hard for you."

3) "Why don't you just adopt."

Huh...again, Word Vomit category. Adoption is just as, if not possibly more expensive that fertility treatments. It's not like going to the pet store and picking out a puppy. You could try something like, "What other options have you looked into?" or "What other options are there for you?"

4) "Just don't stress about it."

Yes, studies have shown that high stress levels can affect your fertility, but has someone telling you not to stress ever made you not stress? There is so much stress involved in Fertility Treatments that it is nigh unto impossible not to stress about it.

5) "Have you tried such-n-such position?"

Seriously? No... just no.

6) "You'll understand when you have kids of your own."

This is just...demeaning. This statement makes it sound like I have no maternal instincts. Do I know everything about raising children? No. I can see that it is demanding, exhausting and some days you just want to rip your hair out. I also see that it is rewarding in so many ways that I can't even name them.

7) "Does anyone want to take my kid?" or "You can have my kids!"

This is probably the most frustrating thing that people say. Firstly, no, I don't want your kid. I want desperately to have my own. While this statement is innocent enough to you, what women fighting Infertility hear is that you are ungrateful for your children. We hear that you are wishing them away. This is aggravating because we would give anything to be in your position. It's okay if you're having a rough day, but say something like, "I need a break from my kids for a bit."

8) "Oh, you're young! It will happen."

Yes, I am young. Does that mean that this will get easier as I get older? No. If anything it will get more difficult for me to conceive as I get older. People act like when you're young you have all the time in the world to have a baby. The problem with Infertility is that it takes time. It's all about experimentation. We wait to see if a particular treatment will work. We take time to go to the doctor and have invasive procedures done. Time, time, time.

9) "Trying is the fun part!"

To that I will refer you to the picture above.

Sometimes it is hard to relate to the challenges that others have, but we should always strive to be sensitive and kind. Sorry for the angry rant! I just had to get this off my chest.

Remembering our Angel

Today started out just as any other June morning.

The birds were chirping, the sun shining...truly this morning was exquisite. I lay in bed just waking up and then it hit me. Today is June 9, 2015. Today is our Angel Baby's estimated due date. The weight of my emotions collapsed on my chest and made it nearly impossible for me to breath. Part of me wanted to pull the covers back over my head and just let the day pass me by. Of course I knew I couldn't. There's things to do. Today is a day much like any other, but it is also a day that I will never forget. Every year it will pass me by, and there will be a little empty place in my heart.

How quickly nine months comes and goes without us even noticing. I don't really know what to write. I don't have the words to adequately express myself. Somehow, loosing a child makes the colors and sounds around you dull and unappealing. Everything seems to speed forward and leave you behind. I feel a sense of absence, along with a sense of hope. Even though today is going to be full of sadness for me and Joshua, I know that things will get better. Tomorrow I begin some new medication that should help. We are both holding out hope that we will be able to have another baby soon.

To any of you who have lost a child or are still struggling with Infertility, you are in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope that you all will find hope, joy and comfort. Today I find comfort in the Atonement of Christ. I find comfort in the fact that I will have my child restored to me one day. All of our losses will be made up. "...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)