Update! No one is perfect!

Hello All! Sorry its been so long since I've written. We moved over spring break and finals are coming up!

Well, last time I posted about self love...and today I can honestly tell you all that today I don't like myself. I know more than anyone else in my life how totally imperfect I am. I don't always like myself. Is that okay? Yes.

Its okay because I don't have to love myself all of the time. I don't have to constantly have it together. There's only one person who ever did that and I'm pretty sure none of us will learn his secret until we get to meet him on the other side. While we should love our bodies and accept ourselves, we also need to understand that our self love will ebb and flow. Much like our relationships with others, there will be times when we don't like ourselves. THAT'S OKAY! It's in those moments that you get to take a step back and evaluate where you are and why you aren't where you want to be in your relationship with yourself. We do it with other people, why not with ourselves?

 We may not like ourselves, but we should never forget to love ourselves. When others are feeling down because of something we did, we do all we can to make them feel better and lift them up, but I have noticed that a lot of people (women in particular) ignore themselves when they are upset with themselves. Why? How can you help anyone else if you are unwilling to be accepting of your own imperfections? You can't! Firstly, because you can't teach things that you don't have in your own life, and secondly because if you're not on good terms with yourself no one is going to believe what you have to say anyway.

Your challenge this week is to sit down and take an inventory. What is not in alignment in your life? Is there a part of your relationship with yourself that could be better? Set some goals and take some time for yourself this week. Ten minutes out of the day can really make a difference in how you feel about yourself. Sit and meditate, go for a walk, eat some chocolate cake but do something that you enjoy and pat yourself on the back. You're all doing better than you think you are.

Body Image and Self-Love

I had an interesting encounter yesterday. I had put forth the effort to put myself together for the day. I had put on my makeup, even had a little bit of blush and gloss on. I went to class and the girl that sat next to me turned to me and said "Wow! Your makeup is always so beautiful...mine always sucks!" My heart just sank. Firstly, if you actually found the motivation to put a fair amount of makeup on, props to you. What she said made me think though about self-love. Why is it that we don't just love ourselves? Why can't we just see that we are awesome? Contrary to what we are shown in the media, by society and by our own insecurities, looks are not everything. So what if you're freckles cover your whole face? So what if you've got a double chin? So what if you don't look the way you did in high school or college?

Lets just take a minute and look at our selves in the mirror. Seriously, go find a mirror and look in it. What do you see? While you think about it, let me tell you what I see. When I look at my face I see acne, moles, facial hair that I can't get rid of and red splotches. I see a short girl who's overweight, has a flat butt, is top heavy and has a very round belly covered by stretch marks. You know what else I see? I also see battle scars that I got from my skin trying to contain pure awesomeness. I see big brown eyes that can see when others need help. I see a smile that is bright. I see uniqueness. I see Me. No one is perfect. No one expects you to be perfect. The only one who has the unrealistic expectations of yourself is YOU. No matter what stage of life you're in, we all feel insecure about ourselves. We all have times when we wish we could change something about ourselves. I'm gonna tell you something though...ready? IT'S OKAY!!

I'm gonna direct these next few comments to the mothers reading this. Moms, if you don't love yourself how can you expect your kids to love themselves? If you are constantly trying to cover yourself up, fix this and fix that, whether you do it out loud or in private, your children will notice. Kids aren't dumb.  If you want your children to be confident and accepting of themselves you need to show them what that looks like. Let your kids see you without makeup on. Let them see you in your PJ's with messy hair. Let them see you on the days when you aren't at 100% (which if your not Barbie, is everyday). If you show them that you can love yourself through every up and down of life, they will learn to do the same thing. Don't just tell your girls how pretty they look or your boys how strong they are or handsome, but tell them how smart they are, how kind they are, how funny they are. Show them and tell them that they have more to offer this world than just looking nice. I'm sorry, but looking nice and being attractive really never changed the world.

Now, this goes for everyone. We all do this either out loud or in our head. If you have a bad thought about someones appearance, keep your mouth shut and put it out of your mind. It's not going to make you feel any better about yourself. You can't say "at least I'm (whatever) than her/him," and feel good about yourself. It will eat away at your spirit. You may be physically attractive but your insides are nasty looking. Think about that before you say something. Before I say something about someone else I think about how it would look if I had to wear it on the outside. If I would be embarrassed to wear something that I said to or about someone or myself, then I probably shouldn't be saying it.

Here is a challenge for you readers this week. Everyday find something that you like about yourself. Write it down. Give a random stranger a complement everyday. It will make their day. Cut yourself some slack. Spend some quality time with yourself and people who lift you up. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder. You're doing better than you think you are.

Update! Recent Doctors Appointement

Hi guys! It's been a while since I updated this, but I thought I should today. So most of you know that I have been seeing an Endocrinologist for the last six or seven months. The last appointment that I had with her she prescribed me some new medication. So I had a followup appointment with her this last week, just to see how everything was going. Since my last visit with her I've lost ten pounds (for those of you who have PCOS you know this is a BIG deal). I have also been able to get my moods under control with the help of some Prozac. My doctor also discussed some different treatment options for me to think about that might be more effective. While I won't be changing my treatment plan anytime soon, I thought I would share with you guys a little bit about what my daily routine is like as far as treatments go.

So first off, pills. There's quite a few of them. I take Metformin, which is an insulin medication, everyday with breakfast along with a multivitamin and a B complex. Now, this medication has probably been the most effective as far as helping me to be able to eat better. My cravings without it are out of control. If I don't eat enough during the day they still come, so it's very important for me to snack so that I don't become an ugly, hangry monster (Joshua has seen me like this and it is a little frightening). Then at night I take my Prozac, which is suppose to help me sleep. It does make me tired, but I've had Insomnia for a long time and it really doesn't help with that. I also have a progesterone medication that I take for 12 days at the beginning of the month.

Why am I not changing to something that might work better? Because I believe that the human body is amazing. I want to be able to give my body the chance to quick itself into gear. As I've changed my diet and exercise routines I've noticed a huge difference in the way that I feel, and how my body functions. So, while these other treatments might work better, I want to see if my body with do what it's suppose to on its own. I also just got used to my meds and, quite frankly, I'm not in the mood to try to get used to something else right now. When you struggle with PCOS, infertility, or any type of disease for that matter, every step can be exhausting. It feels like you're climbing a mountain. Sometimes it seems like you get to the top, but then the next cliff you have to climb over seems even more expensive and time consuming. Not only that, but there are a lot of side effects to medication. While modern medicine can be a blessing, I also think that we can trust our bodies to do what they need to. I'm hoping that as I show my body that I love it, instead of being angry with it all the time, we will be able to understand one another.

Here's a challenge for all of you this week. Find something about your body that you love. All of us have something that we like. Be kind to yourself this week and listen to your body. What is it telling you? Do you need to slow down? Do you need to get off the couch and do more? Choose to eat that salad instead of a burger. Make it a point to let your body know that you appreciate all the hard work that it does for you. Thanks for reading guys! Have a great week!

Thank You!!!

Hello everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday season. Today I just want to take a minute to say "thank you".

Its impossible for me to name everyone who has reached out in love to Joshua and I, but want you all to know that it was noticed. We feel so blessed to have the family and friends that we do.  Every text of support, every time we are asked how things are going, or anytime you have shown us compassion has not gone unnoticed. We love you. Thank you for all that you do for us. Your friendship and support has lifted us at the times when we needed it the most. None of you will ever know what an impact you have made on our lives, and I don't have the words to express it. I just hope you all know that we are thankful. We have felt all of your prayers and thoughts as we've shared this journey with you. Thank you for all that you do. We love you all.

Reflections and Moving Forward

Today is New Years Eve. The last year is gone. We can't get it back. We can't do it again. As I've been reflecting on this last year, I've shed a lot of tears, but mostly I see how hope has taken over my life. This week in particular has been difficult for me. This would have marked me at 15 weeks along in my pregnancy. My baby would've been able to suck on it's thumb. It would've been about the size of a lemon. As I've tried to make sense of what happened and come to terms with it, I've come to a huge realization of God's love for me. There have been some extremely hard challenges this last year, but Heavenly Father didn't make those things happen. He doesn't willfully cause those things that for His own purposes He allows. Why did I lose a baby after we had tried for so long? I don't know. Was it God's fault? No. My body simply did exactly what it was designed to do. Is it God's fault that I have this disorder that is so trying and obnoxious to deal with? No. Has He allowed to be so? Yes He has. Why? For me.
Why did any of the hard things happen to some of the greatest people to ever walk this earth? Bad things happened to prophets, to apostles...bad things happened to the Savior himself. What was the point? I have found the answer people. Every challenge that we have ever faced, whether by design or our own choices or just the universe deciding it didn't like us that day, happened because we needed to learn something about ourselves. Bailey needed to learn something about Bailey. Joshua needed to learn something about Joshua. We as a couple needed to learn something as a couple by being brought low and turning to the only place that we could even think to turn. How else would I have come to understand the depths of our Heavenly Father's love for me, for my husband and for all of His children?
As we come into 2015, let us reflect on the growth of this last year. Reflect, but look forward with hope for what lies ahead. Hope that this is the year our boats sale in, the year we accomplish all that we are capable of, the year that will again change us for the better. I hope that this is the year that we are able to begin our family. However, whatever the outcome, whatever storm may rage against us, whatever calamity may fall, whatever joy, sorrow, pain or peace I hope that we can kneel before our God with pure hearts and give Him thanks for his mercy and love. I am so grateful for all that we have experienced this last year, the good and bad. I hope that you all enjoy your New Years Eve, and have a very happy New Year! May the Lord bless you all in everything that you need.

Having Compassion for Others Trials and Tribulations

Today my post is going to be a little bit of a rant, but I think that I should address something. I recently was talking to a lady about PCOS who knew a little bit about it. She is studying nutrition and was curious about my problems. What she said to me has really been bothering me for a few weeks. As we talked about nutrition and other things she said to me "PCOS isn't as hard as people think it is. It's all about your lifestyle". Okay... I do agree to a point. While lifestyle is a factor, it's not necessarily the problem. I know that I personally have been making some changes to my lifestyle, but I also know many women who struggle with PCOS that live very healthy and active lives. I'm sure she didn't mean it this way, but to me it sounded like "you have a hard time with this because you don't have a healthy lifestyle". What I heard was, it's my fault.

I was diagnosed at fifteen. As a teenager, I was healthy. I had a great body (I often wish I could have it back). At my heaviest I weighed in at 130 pounds. I now weigh in over 190 pounds. I have always had jobs that required me to be on my feet all day and generally running around helping customers. I don't think that I am sedentary by any means. Should I exercise more? Probably, but I think about 80% of the population could stand to be more active. None of us are as healthy as we could or should be. So lets not be judgmental of others. If you don't have to personally deal with some of the health issues that others do, then you have no right to make any judgements. What may be hard for someone else, may not be hard for you. That's fine, but that doesn't make the other persons struggle any less real for them or any less difficult.

I also want to add that hormones control, quite literally, everything in our bodies. They control how we use food for energy, how we maintain our weight...I can't even name all of the things that hormones control, especially for women. My hormones are messed up. This will never go away. There is no cure for PCOS, and medical professionals still don't really know what causes it. This is something that, like a diabetic, I will have to manage my whole life. It won't go away when I have children. It won't get better with age, if anything it will probably get worse. I will end up having more symptoms to manage, more medication to take and other health problems to avoid. I will repeat that ONE IN EVERY TEN WOMEN has PCOS. As I've written this blog I have truly come to find that statistic to be fairly accurate. There are some of you who read my blog that I didn't even know had PCOS too. You've been coming out of the wood work. Every single one of you ladies have expressed to me how difficult this has been for you. It's not something that simple lifestyle changes will fix. While a healthy diet and exercise regiment will help, and can possibly alleviate some symptoms, that's not the case for everyone.

Everyone's symptoms vary. My symptoms became worse the older I got. As I said, I was a healthy teen. The only symptom I had was the irregular periods. The only reason that the doctor could even diagnose me is because she tested my hormone levels, which were very abnormal. Some women have embarrassing facial hair growth, some women gain weight no matter what they do because of Insulin resistance. There are some women who are never able to have children because of this, there are some women who deal with horrible depression and anxiety. With so many women struggling with this, shouldn't we be a little more mindful of others? I don't think that God looks down on these women, or any person that has struggles. All of His children have their own problems, and he takes the time to listen and understand every single solitary one. Shouldn't we give others the same curtesy that God our Father gives our brothers and sister?

I know that this is sort of a rant, but I'm feeling a little cheated. The whole reason I decided that I needed to open up about this is because I wanted people to be more understanding of me and others. Quite frankly if some of you had to wake up and look at this body every day, you might be a little frustrated too. Some of you know how it feels to not be able to conceive and the feeling of losing a child, some of you don't. For those of you who don't, I wouldn't want anyone to have go through these experiences. If you were taking a million different medications, having to do tests, not being able to follow through with a craving that could probably be compared to any pregnancy craving in intensity, and simply deal with the feeling of having no control over your body there would be days that you would probably want to give up. Those of you who know me well, know that I don't have patience for ignorance. Please be kind to others. All of you have your own struggles that you deal with. They may not be something that I struggle with, but that doesn't make it any less real or hard.

Whether you deal with health issues, addictions, low self-esteem, being a new mother or father, being a tired mother or father, or anything else in your life that is difficult for you, we have been commanded by Christ to love each other as He loved us. Shouldn't that also mean being understanding of others trials and tribulations. The things that we deal with are specifically designed to make us better people. We go through our trials and tribulations, not only to gain knowledge, but also to gain perspective and to learn to have compassion on one another. So this week, with it being Christmas, a time to truly focus on giving, give your ears to listen to someone you know really needs to talk. Give your time to someone who needs it. Give your compassion to those who can't find it anywhere and are feeling lost. Give your love as a brother or sister to those who just need to know that they are not alone.

The Struggle of Self-Mastery

Hi guys! Today I am going to touch on how I'm doing. Many of you have asked how my treatment has been going and how the lifestyle changes are going. Well, things are happening, slowly, but surly. One of the struggles with PCOS is cravings. For me, because my body is resistant to insulin, my body doesn't use the food I eat for energy. This makes me crave sugar and carbs more. I need that spike for energy, but I can't sustain it. This is part of the reason that I take an insulin medication. This last week I was feeling particularly helpless. As I've tried doing my own research on how I should be eating to stabilize my blood sugar levels, I have found so many different opinions. Some say gluten free, others say no carbs, others say no dairy. I find that ridiculous. My doctor suggested that I talk to a nutritionist because she wasn't quite sure what to change as far as diet. I was looking in my cupboards and fridge and wondering what the heck I've been doing wrong. I don't feel that I eat any worse than the rest of you, and my medication has helped with the cravings and feeling when I need to eat.

I was blessed the other night to be giving a ride to a sister in our ward. She asked how long we had been married and other things. Soon she was asking about kids. So I proceeded to explain that I have an endocrine disorder. She asked what, so I told her. Turns out she is a nutritionist, not licensed, but she only has a few semesters left. So we began discussing some of my symptoms and she offered to help me. It is now day two, and I'm feeling pretty good. She's given me some tools to help me make better food choices. While I still have those cravings, I am willing myself to control them. I don't think it's necessarily bad to have sugar or carbs. I personally love bread, but because my body has special needs, balance is of utmost importance. Balance is important for anyone. In this world of processed foods, balance can be hard to achieve for anyone. As much as I want to eat that ice cream or that toast with cinnamon sugar on it, I want more to be around for my children. I want to be able to feel like I have control over my body. I want to have a strong body; not a fit body, skinny body...just healthy.

I recently read a talk by James E. Faust talking about the power of self-mastery. While this talk is aimed at the priesthood brethren, I found it inspiring. I know that it will be a struggle to change my habits. It will take a lot of work and dedication to change my body, but I also know that it is possible. To keep me inspired, I have been writing quotes on the mirror in our bathroom. This way I can see something inspirational every day. The one that I have had up there for the last few weeks has truly touched me. The poem Invictus by William Earnest Henley has been an anthem for me. As I finish getting ready for the day, I read it out loud. William Earnest Henley also had many physical limitations. He was crippled when he penned this. Perhaps thats why I find it so inspiring. "Invictus" is latin for "unconquered". I hope that this is helpful for any of you who are having a hard day, week, month, or even year. Remember that God made us resilient. He built us so that we could withstand the trials that we are given.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.