Dealing with Depression and Anxiety

Hi guys! . Today I'm going to talk about depression and anxiety. Those of you who know me well know that I struggle with anxiety and have for a long time, but most of you don't know that I also have been dealing with depression the last few years. I am going to be very open about this. I will be totally honest with how I feel, and some of it is a little scary. I don't want any of you to worry about me, just to be aware.
When you have PCOS it's totally normal to have anxiety and depression. It's also normal when you're dealing with infertility to become depressed. Hormones, the inability to procreate and still having to take care of your other responsibilities can really take it's tole on you. I think that's why it's so hard when people try to tell you to "just relax" or "don't worry about it." Honestly, if I could "just relax" I would do it. It's not that I don't want to relax or stop worrying, but sometimes you just can't. Everyone is busy, and everyone has hard things to deal with. Instead of offering advice that isn't asked for, let people vent. When a friend comes to you to tell you how stressed out they are, it's more helpful/productive to listen! They don't want your advice, they just want to know that they have your support.
I began dealing with anxiety while I was in High School. One day, I was sitting in class, listening to a lecture, when all of a sudden my heart started to do flutter.  It went on like this all class. I began to feel light headed. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something. I told my parents when I got home and we proceeded to go to doctors to find out what was wrong. Nothing. The doctor told us nothing was wrong with me. "You're perfectly healthy." Well, as it so happens I took a phsycology class that year. Anxiety. I also confirmed this with my teacher who worked at the hospital as a psychologist. I then spent the next few years dealing with the physical side effects of anxiety like insomnia, because I'm too worried about everything to sleep. I still sometimes have to drug myself in order to fall asleep. I became more nervous and easily agitated. I am constantly talking myself out of irrational fears. I can't even name how many things I didn't do, how many jobs I didn't apply to, or how many risks I didn't take because I was too afraid that I would fail. This all consuming fear that freezes everything inside of you and makes you want to curl up into a little ball and hide in a corner. I often put off making decisions because I'm just afraid of making a bad choice, even if both choices are good. It sounds totally irrational when I explain it this way, and it is irrational. I often feel and believe that I'm crazy. My brain never shuts off. I lay awake at night with thoughts swimming through my head. I envy Joshua because he can just lay down and fall asleep. I often don't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, and then I have to wake up early to go to school or to work.

The depression was something that I never thought I would deal with. I'm not talking about just simply feeling down or a little depressed, we all feel that way now and again. I mean real depression. Feeling yourself fall into a hole that you are trying so hard to climb out of but no matter how hard you climb you only sink deeper. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland worded it so beautifully in his talk "Like a Broken Vessel" from October 2013 General Conference.
"... I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest that it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulder and think more positively...this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."
I'm sure I won't be able to describe my feelings as eloquently as Elder Holland, but I will try. The biggest issue that I have had is being around others. I am a little more of in introvert by nature. I normally enjoy others, but I thrive on time with myself. I have found it increasingly difficult over the last few years to be around others, including family. Often I will leave the room to go where there are less people, or go find a corner of the house that I can sit alone where no one will see me. Its not because I don't love any of you, its because I love you that I go away. I didn't want any of you to know, partially because I was embarrassed, and partially because I didn't want to be a burden. I find it difficult to be at work many days, or even at school. I just want to be alone. I lack motivation to do anything; chores, homework, work, cooking...somedays it's all I can do to force myself to get out of bed. My head hurts, by body aches, I find no pleasure in doing the things I used to enjoy, even singing. I pray everyday that something will make me happy. There have been days that were so bad that I wished I could just die. I have no desire to hurt myself for those of you who are worrying about me right now.  I feel so blessed to have my sweet husband who tries to make me laugh everyday, and most days he succeeds.
I recently started taking a medication that my doctor prescribed. I don't know how I like it. It makes me feel...numb. I don't feel really low or high, but I suppose it's better than the alternative. I can do what I need to now, and I don't feel like the depression is hindering me, but the medication does make me tired most of the time. I guess only time will tell how it all plays out. I know that everything will be fine, and eventually things will get easier to handle. It tends to be something that is hard to explain to others. As always, I really appreciate all of your support. I have found it much easier to talk about. Now that everyone knows some of the things I've been experiencing, I don't feel that I have to hide anymore. All your thoughts and prayers give me hope and strength.