Finding Miracles and Blessings in Hardships

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be 100% honest in what I was writing. Today I find it difficult to be that honest. Some of you may have noticed that it's been a long time since I've posted anything. The last few months have been some of the most difficult and yet spiritual that I've ever experienced. Even though the heartache is still something that I have to deal with everyday, I have been able to see some of the tender mercies of God. My testimony in Jesus Christ has been strengthened.
Those of you who've been reading my posts know that we have struggled for two years to start our family. It's been one of the most stressful and heartbreaking experiences of our lives. You also know that I've been doing treatments to help with my PCOS as well as to help with fertility. Well, we experienced a miracle. Before I even took a test I knew that I was pregnant. I felt that there was life in me, I couldn't explain it. Finally I missed my period. My hopes only shot higher. I never miss, I am never late. I wanted to be sure though, so Joshua and I decide that we would wait a week to take a test.
While we waited I continued to experience symptoms. My head told me not to get my hopes up, that it was probably nothing, but my heart and spirit were filled with hope. I felt an undeniable spiritual presence around me. On October the 21st I began to feel terribly sick. I thought that it was possibly just morning sickness. As the day went on though, I began to cramp. The most horrible cramps I've ever had. When I got home that day I decided that I was going to take a test that night. I waited until Joshua got home from work and immediately went to take one. That was when I saw the blood...clotted and dark as could be. My heart sunk, but I decided to take the test anyway. I watched the test as the results came up. I watched as the line came up, faintly at first, but then it got darker. Everything inside of me died right at that moment because I knew there was nothing that I could do. I was six weeks along.
While our hearts are broken, we know that this baby will always be ours. I never knew that I could feel so much love within myself. I had a realization that If I can feel that much love, and I'm imperfect, how does Heavenly Father love me? I can't help but think about Joseph and Emma Smith. They knew well the ache of a parents heart. Of the eleven children that they had, only five actually lived to adulthood. Joseph once said that "the only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory that the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable wicked world."
I miss my baby everyday. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that sweet spirit, or wish that it was here to be with us. I wish that I could feel this sweet baby growing. I've stumbled through many different emotions. There are days that I'm okay, and days that I'd rather just stay in bed. I know though that with time and the Atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ that I can find healing and peace. The true comfort that I have felt is knowing that this baby will be mine. I have been so blessed. I felt something that I have always feared that I would not feel. I am grateful that I was able to have even a few weeks of something wonderful than live my whole life with nothing special.
I want to thank all of you who have given your support to Joshua and I at this time. Some of you have asked us if we will be trying again soon. After much discussion and prayer, we feel that it would be best to allow my body and spirit more time to recover. We want to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be before we attempt again. We are so grateful for your sensitivity and support during this time. I was very unsure about posting this...I didn't know if it would be helpful or not. I have found though that as I have shared this information with others, they have been very supportive and having them be aware has helped me. I don't feel that I have to hide if I'm having a difficult day or feel bad if I feel like I can't attend a baby shower or a blessing. I truly appreciate your understanding and friendship.