Just an update for any of you who would like to know. On Monday I had another ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Letrozole. I think I mentioned in my last post that my Doctor had upped my dosage and had me take it for ten days instead of five. So I went in, honestly not really expecting anything. I've become accustomed to failure in this area. I decided not to let myself get too hopeful, that way I wouldn't go crazy when it didn't work.
As we went through the ultrasound, my Doctor double checked all my measurements and counted all my follicles. All was looking like business as usual. She then moved over to my left ovary and BOOM! There was a massive dominant follicle! I am no expert, but I've seen my ovaries enough that I know what they look like. I immediately started to tear up. This will be the first time that I've ovulated since baby Larsen.
Joshua and I prayed very hard about what medication we should take, and we really felt that the Letrozole would be the one. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's guidance in all of this. He has helped us to know what path to choose. I don't know that we will conceive this month (being honest I don't think we will), but that's okay. I am just glad the the Lord has blessed us that my body is doing what it is suppose to be.
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. We have felt them and they lift us up.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
Round Two: Ovaries 1, Larsens 0
This morning I went to my see my Endocrinologist to have an ultrasound. We had upped my dose of letrozole and were checking to see if I was responding to it. So basically what they look for is to see if the follicles in my ovaries have increased in size, which will indicate that the medication is working. The ultrasound machine allows them to be able to take measurements of my uterus, my ovaries and the follicles. It's fascinating to watch and be able to see what is going on inside your body. My doctor counted 30 follicles on each ovary, which is great!
There was good news and bad news. I am not responding to the medication, which is really disappointing for me because I felt so strongly that this was the one I needed to take. I prayed long and hard to know which medication would yield the best results and what would be best for my body. The good news is there are options. My ovaries have decided to be stubborn, so what we will do is take a higher dose of letrozole (three a day for ten days) and see if that will be enough to stimulate them. My doctor is so positive. I always leave her office feeling like I can do it.
Admittedly I am feeling down. Infertility is something that is so alienating. Even though others are as supportive as they can be, you just feel that you don't belong. You feel extremely inadequate next to other women. There are so many emotions that you feel every day and every month that you can't explain to others.
I have thought about the Atonement this week. What does it do for me. I can see my spirit walking up to the Savior in the garden and telling him everything that was ever going to happen to me. I can't fathom how He could understand what I feel, or how He could possibly have felt all the physical ailments that I do and will experience. I know though that somehow He did and He does. I was able to attend the temple and feel a confirmation of peace. I know that there will be ups and downs, that there will be days that I struggle, but I also know that one day, because of Christ's sacrifice, I will be able to do all that I wish I could do here. I will be able to have a healthy body. I will have children. I will be alright.
There was good news and bad news. I am not responding to the medication, which is really disappointing for me because I felt so strongly that this was the one I needed to take. I prayed long and hard to know which medication would yield the best results and what would be best for my body. The good news is there are options. My ovaries have decided to be stubborn, so what we will do is take a higher dose of letrozole (three a day for ten days) and see if that will be enough to stimulate them. My doctor is so positive. I always leave her office feeling like I can do it.
Admittedly I am feeling down. Infertility is something that is so alienating. Even though others are as supportive as they can be, you just feel that you don't belong. You feel extremely inadequate next to other women. There are so many emotions that you feel every day and every month that you can't explain to others.I have thought about the Atonement this week. What does it do for me. I can see my spirit walking up to the Savior in the garden and telling him everything that was ever going to happen to me. I can't fathom how He could understand what I feel, or how He could possibly have felt all the physical ailments that I do and will experience. I know though that somehow He did and He does. I was able to attend the temple and feel a confirmation of peace. I know that there will be ups and downs, that there will be days that I struggle, but I also know that one day, because of Christ's sacrifice, I will be able to do all that I wish I could do here. I will be able to have a healthy body. I will have children. I will be alright.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Treatment Update: Round One of Letrozole
Just a quick update for all of you. I started taking letrozole and waiting patiently to see if I ovulated. Okay, so maybe I wasn't very patient about it, but who can blame me? Fathers day was coming and I couldn't help but think about what a great Fathers Day gift that would be to my Hubby. He's been such a rock while I ride my wild roller coaster.
We went to St. George while I was supposed to be ovulating. The first morning I took a test and it was positive I was ecstatic! This is the first time I've ovulated since Baby Larsen, so it was a big deal for Joshua and I. I continued to take them for the next few days and they were all positive. Then all of a sudden my period started and confusion set in. My doctor had told me that there was a chance that home ovulation tests may not work for me.
When we came home from St. George we went to the hospital to have my blood drawn. My doctor wanted to check my progesterone levels to see if I had actually ovulated or not. I just got the results this morning and they indicate that I didn't. So the new plan is to up my dosage of letrozole and then go in for an ultrasound to see if I'm even responding to it.
Even though things didn't go as planned this time around, I still feel confident that things will work. All your prayers are appreciated and felt.
When we came home from St. George we went to the hospital to have my blood drawn. My doctor wanted to check my progesterone levels to see if I had actually ovulated or not. I just got the results this morning and they indicate that I didn't. So the new plan is to up my dosage of letrozole and then go in for an ultrasound to see if I'm even responding to it.
Even though things didn't go as planned this time around, I still feel confident that things will work. All your prayers are appreciated and felt.
Monday, June 15, 2015
9 Things Not To Say To TTC Women
So this is a little bit of a rant, but hopefully this will be educational for everyone. I'm sure that I've mentioned before that sometimes people say stupid things when you tell them that you're dealing with Infertility. Now, I'm sure that most of these come from a good place, but just as there are things you never say to pregnant women, there are things you should never say to women who are trying to conceive.
1) "You're not pregnant yet?!"
Yes, this was said by someone who is perfectly aware of our situation. I don't think this one really needs any explanation. I classify it under Word Vomit. A more appropriate way to ask about it is saying something like, "How are your treatments going?" or "How was your last doctors appointment?"
2) "I understand. It took us month to get pregnant."
Really? Again, I don't really think that this needs explanation. Instead just say, "I'm sorry that this is so hard for you."
3) "Why don't you just adopt."
Huh...again, Word Vomit category. Adoption is just as, if not possibly more expensive that fertility treatments. It's not like going to the pet store and picking out a puppy. You could try something like, "What other options have you looked into?" or "What other options are there for you?"
4) "Just don't stress about it."
Yes, studies have shown that high stress levels can affect your fertility, but has someone telling you not to stress ever made you not stress? There is so much stress involved in Fertility Treatments that it is nigh unto impossible not to stress about it.
5) "Have you tried such-n-such position?"
Seriously? No... just no.
6) "You'll understand when you have kids of your own."
This is just...demeaning. This statement makes it sound like I have no maternal instincts. Do I know everything about raising children? No. I can see that it is demanding, exhausting and some days you just want to rip your hair out. I also see that it is rewarding in so many ways that I can't even name them.
7) "Does anyone want to take my kid?" or "You can have my kids!"
This is probably the most frustrating thing that people say. Firstly, no, I don't want your kid. I want desperately to have my own. While this statement is innocent enough to you, what women fighting Infertility hear is that you are ungrateful for your children. We hear that you are wishing them away. This is aggravating because we would give anything to be in your position. It's okay if you're having a rough day, but say something like, "I need a break from my kids for a bit."
8) "Oh, you're young! It will happen."
Yes, I am young. Does that mean that this will get easier as I get older? No. If anything it will get more difficult for me to conceive as I get older. People act like when you're young you have all the time in the world to have a baby. The problem with Infertility is that it takes time. It's all about experimentation. We wait to see if a particular treatment will work. We take time to go to the doctor and have invasive procedures done. Time, time, time.
9) "Trying is the fun part!"
To that I will refer you to the picture above.
Sometimes it is hard to relate to the challenges that others have, but we should always strive to be sensitive and kind. Sorry for the angry rant! I just had to get this off my chest.
1) "You're not pregnant yet?!"
Yes, this was said by someone who is perfectly aware of our situation. I don't think this one really needs any explanation. I classify it under Word Vomit. A more appropriate way to ask about it is saying something like, "How are your treatments going?" or "How was your last doctors appointment?"
2) "I understand. It took us month to get pregnant."
Really? Again, I don't really think that this needs explanation. Instead just say, "I'm sorry that this is so hard for you."
3) "Why don't you just adopt."
Huh...again, Word Vomit category. Adoption is just as, if not possibly more expensive that fertility treatments. It's not like going to the pet store and picking out a puppy. You could try something like, "What other options have you looked into?" or "What other options are there for you?"
4) "Just don't stress about it."
Yes, studies have shown that high stress levels can affect your fertility, but has someone telling you not to stress ever made you not stress? There is so much stress involved in Fertility Treatments that it is nigh unto impossible not to stress about it.
5) "Have you tried such-n-such position?"
Seriously? No... just no.
6) "You'll understand when you have kids of your own."
This is just...demeaning. This statement makes it sound like I have no maternal instincts. Do I know everything about raising children? No. I can see that it is demanding, exhausting and some days you just want to rip your hair out. I also see that it is rewarding in so many ways that I can't even name them.
7) "Does anyone want to take my kid?" or "You can have my kids!"
This is probably the most frustrating thing that people say. Firstly, no, I don't want your kid. I want desperately to have my own. While this statement is innocent enough to you, what women fighting Infertility hear is that you are ungrateful for your children. We hear that you are wishing them away. This is aggravating because we would give anything to be in your position. It's okay if you're having a rough day, but say something like, "I need a break from my kids for a bit."8) "Oh, you're young! It will happen."
Yes, I am young. Does that mean that this will get easier as I get older? No. If anything it will get more difficult for me to conceive as I get older. People act like when you're young you have all the time in the world to have a baby. The problem with Infertility is that it takes time. It's all about experimentation. We wait to see if a particular treatment will work. We take time to go to the doctor and have invasive procedures done. Time, time, time.
9) "Trying is the fun part!"
To that I will refer you to the picture above.
Sometimes it is hard to relate to the challenges that others have, but we should always strive to be sensitive and kind. Sorry for the angry rant! I just had to get this off my chest.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Remembering our Angel
Today started out just as any other June morning.
The birds were chirping, the sun shining...truly this morning was exquisite. I lay in bed just waking up and then it hit me. Today is June 9, 2015. Today is our Angel Baby's estimated due date. The weight of my emotions collapsed on my chest and made it nearly impossible for me to breath. Part of me wanted to pull the covers back over my head and just let the day pass me by. Of course I knew I couldn't. There's things to do. Today is a day much like any other, but it is also a day that I will never forget. Every year it will pass me by, and there will be a little empty place in my heart.
How quickly nine months comes and goes without us even noticing. I don't really know what to write. I don't have the words to adequately express myself. Somehow, loosing a child makes the colors and sounds around you dull and unappealing. Everything seems to speed forward and leave you behind. I feel a sense of absence, along with a sense of hope. Even though today is going to be full of sadness for me and Joshua, I know that things will get better. Tomorrow I begin some new medication that should help. We are both holding out hope that we will be able to have another baby soon.
To any of you who have lost a child or are still struggling with Infertility, you are in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope that you all will find hope, joy and comfort. Today I find comfort in the Atonement of Christ. I find comfort in the fact that I will have my child restored to me one day. All of our losses will be made up. "...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
The birds were chirping, the sun shining...truly this morning was exquisite. I lay in bed just waking up and then it hit me. Today is June 9, 2015. Today is our Angel Baby's estimated due date. The weight of my emotions collapsed on my chest and made it nearly impossible for me to breath. Part of me wanted to pull the covers back over my head and just let the day pass me by. Of course I knew I couldn't. There's things to do. Today is a day much like any other, but it is also a day that I will never forget. Every year it will pass me by, and there will be a little empty place in my heart.
How quickly nine months comes and goes without us even noticing. I don't really know what to write. I don't have the words to adequately express myself. Somehow, loosing a child makes the colors and sounds around you dull and unappealing. Everything seems to speed forward and leave you behind. I feel a sense of absence, along with a sense of hope. Even though today is going to be full of sadness for me and Joshua, I know that things will get better. Tomorrow I begin some new medication that should help. We are both holding out hope that we will be able to have another baby soon.To any of you who have lost a child or are still struggling with Infertility, you are in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope that you all will find hope, joy and comfort. Today I find comfort in the Atonement of Christ. I find comfort in the fact that I will have my child restored to me one day. All of our losses will be made up. "...In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Taking the Next Step
*Just a warning for you readers, this post will involve talk about my menstrual cycle.*
This month has been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not only are finals coming up, but Joshua and I took a leap of faith this month. We decided that I should stop taking my Progesterone. My Doctor had advised us that this was the next step. We needed to see if my body would kick start itself. So I didn't take my Progesterone...and waited...and waited. The whole time we waited I prayed that my body would do something. I didn't care if I was pregnant or not, I just wanted my body to do something...anything! Well...four pregnancy tests later and still no visit from Aunt Flow we are back to the drawing board.
While I'm a little frustrated, I had a thought today about what I prayed throughout this month. I didn't just pray that this little science experiment would go well, I also prayed fervently that I would be able to understand God's plan in all of this. Today Joshua and I were able to have a conversation about this. We came to the conclusion that the Lord must love us immensely. We have been given a great privilege. We have a great opportunity to humble ourselves and become submissive to His will.
Sometimes we wonder why the Lord doesn't give us the righteous desires of our hearts. We often feel cheated in some way that we asked and didn't receive. What we sometimes forget is that God is literally our Father. He knows better than we do. Like our earthly parents, even though He may want to give us everything we ask for, He knows that we won't learn anything from that. If we got everything we asked for, we wouldn't learn to appreciate what we have. God isn't punishing us, playing favorites or simply ignoring us. He is simply giving us the opportunity to stretch and grow.
As difficult as this challenge has been, I am grateful that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to allow me to gain some new perspective and grow. I will be starting some new medications after my next cycle. Hopefully this will be a good change. It will be interesting to see how I adjust to the change.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Pondering God's Plan
Today I've been a little lost in thought. Some of you know that I've been keeping track of the progress our sweet baby would've been making. Whether this is healthy or not I don't know, but I somehow feel bonded to baby Larsen even more by doing this. Baby Larsen's estimated due date is slowly approaching. This week I would've been 31 weeks along. It seems so crazy to me how the time moves along without us even noticing.
I think I have been brought to think about this due to the amount of pregnancies around me. My sister-in-law is pregnant again, two of my cousins are pregnant again and one just had a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them and pray for them all and hope that everything goes smoothly for them. For me there is this sense of emptiness that comes from watching others conceive and begin their families. I feel like I am that kid on the playground that never gets picked to play. There are so many things that couples dealing with infertility feel that they miss out on. All the love that they have to share is nearly bursting and they have to try to find other outlets for it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it can also be an extremely painful feeling when there is no way for it to grow.
I go through many moments of frustration. Most days I'm okay, and then I get blindsided by pregnancy announcements or even those cute little suits for babies that you see at the store, and a wave of mixed emotions comes over me. I try to ignore these things as much as I can, or avoid them, but they always somehow find their way into my life. I find myself beginning to ask the question with the most illusive answer...Why? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my body suck? Why do I have to stand by and watch all of these other women get adorably round while I continue to just get fat? I is God punishing me? Why did my baby die before it even really lived? Why?! Why?!?! Why?!?!?!
As I've prayed for the answer to my absolutely ridiculous questions, the answer has come to me. There is no answer. I don't know the answer, nor do I think I ever will know it. I may not know the answer until I'm dead. And you know what? That's okay. I feel very much like Nephi. I know that God loves His children, but I don't know the meaning of all things. I have come up with an answer to something though. God doesn't willfully cause what he allows for His own purposes. God didn't take my baby, but He did allow that little spirit to return to Him. I don't know why and I may never know why. What I do know is that through Christ's atonement all of my losses will be made up. Someday I will have wisdom to share from this experience, and hopefully I can pass God's love on to others in the process.
I think I have been brought to think about this due to the amount of pregnancies around me. My sister-in-law is pregnant again, two of my cousins are pregnant again and one just had a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them and pray for them all and hope that everything goes smoothly for them. For me there is this sense of emptiness that comes from watching others conceive and begin their families. I feel like I am that kid on the playground that never gets picked to play. There are so many things that couples dealing with infertility feel that they miss out on. All the love that they have to share is nearly bursting and they have to try to find other outlets for it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it can also be an extremely painful feeling when there is no way for it to grow.
I go through many moments of frustration. Most days I'm okay, and then I get blindsided by pregnancy announcements or even those cute little suits for babies that you see at the store, and a wave of mixed emotions comes over me. I try to ignore these things as much as I can, or avoid them, but they always somehow find their way into my life. I find myself beginning to ask the question with the most illusive answer...Why? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my body suck? Why do I have to stand by and watch all of these other women get adorably round while I continue to just get fat? I is God punishing me? Why did my baby die before it even really lived? Why?! Why?!?! Why?!?!?!
As I've prayed for the answer to my absolutely ridiculous questions, the answer has come to me. There is no answer. I don't know the answer, nor do I think I ever will know it. I may not know the answer until I'm dead. And you know what? That's okay. I feel very much like Nephi. I know that God loves His children, but I don't know the meaning of all things. I have come up with an answer to something though. God doesn't willfully cause what he allows for His own purposes. God didn't take my baby, but He did allow that little spirit to return to Him. I don't know why and I may never know why. What I do know is that through Christ's atonement all of my losses will be made up. Someday I will have wisdom to share from this experience, and hopefully I can pass God's love on to others in the process.
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