Taking the Next Step

*Just a warning for you readers, this post will involve talk about my menstrual cycle.*

This month has been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not only are finals coming up, but Joshua and I took a leap of faith this month. We decided that I should stop taking my Progesterone. My Doctor had advised us that this was the next step. We needed to see if my body would kick start itself. So I didn't take my Progesterone...and waited...and waited. The whole time we waited I prayed that my body would do something. I didn't care if I was pregnant or not, I just wanted my body to do something...anything! Well...four pregnancy tests later and still no visit from Aunt Flow we are back to the drawing board.

While I'm a little frustrated, I had a thought today about what I prayed throughout this month. I didn't just pray that this little science experiment would go well, I also prayed fervently that I would be able to understand God's plan in all of this. Today Joshua and I were able to have a conversation about this. We came to the conclusion that the Lord must love us immensely. We have been given a great privilege. We have a great opportunity to humble ourselves and become submissive to His will. 

Sometimes we wonder why the Lord doesn't give us the righteous desires of our hearts. We often feel cheated in some way that we asked and didn't receive. What we sometimes forget is that God is literally our Father. He knows better than we do. Like our earthly parents, even though He may want to give us everything we ask for, He knows that we won't learn anything from that. If we got everything we asked for, we wouldn't learn to appreciate what we have. God isn't punishing us, playing favorites or simply ignoring us. He is simply giving us the opportunity to stretch and grow. 

As difficult as this challenge has been, I am grateful that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to allow me to gain some new perspective and grow. I will be starting some new medications after my next cycle. Hopefully this will be a good change. It will be interesting to see how I adjust to the change. 

Pondering God's Plan

Today I've been a little lost in thought. Some of you know that I've been keeping track of the progress our sweet baby would've been making. Whether this is healthy or not I don't know, but I somehow feel bonded to baby Larsen even more by doing this. Baby Larsen's estimated due date is slowly approaching. This week I would've been 31 weeks along. It seems so crazy to me how the time moves along without us even noticing.

I think I have been brought to think about this due to the amount of pregnancies around me. My sister-in-law is pregnant again, two of my cousins are pregnant again and one just had a baby. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy for all of them and pray for them all and hope that everything goes smoothly for them. For me there is this sense of emptiness that comes from watching others conceive and begin their families. I feel like I am that kid on the playground that never gets picked to play. There are so many things that couples dealing with infertility feel that they miss out on. All the love that they have to share is nearly bursting and they have to try to find other outlets for it. Love is a wonderful thing, but it can also be an extremely painful feeling when there is no way for it to grow.

I go through many moments of frustration. Most days I'm okay, and then I get blindsided by pregnancy announcements or even those cute little suits for babies that you see at the store, and a wave of mixed emotions comes over me. I try to ignore these things as much as I can, or avoid them, but they always somehow find their way into my life. I find myself beginning to ask the question with the most illusive answer...Why? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my body suck? Why do I have to stand by and watch all of these other women get adorably round while I continue to just get fat? I is God punishing me? Why did my baby die before it even really lived? Why?! Why?!?! Why?!?!?!

As I've prayed for the answer to my absolutely ridiculous questions, the answer has come to me. There is no answer. I don't know the answer, nor do I think I ever will know it. I may not know the answer until I'm dead. And you know what? That's okay. I feel very much like Nephi. I know that God loves His children, but I don't know the meaning of all things. I have come up with an answer to something though. God doesn't willfully cause what he allows for His own purposes. God didn't take my baby, but He did allow that little spirit to return to Him. I don't know why and I may never know why. What I do know is that through Christ's atonement all of my losses will be made up. Someday I will have wisdom to share from this experience, and hopefully I can pass God's love on to others in the process.

Update! No one is perfect!

Hello All! Sorry its been so long since I've written. We moved over spring break and finals are coming up!

Well, last time I posted about self love...and today I can honestly tell you all that today I don't like myself. I know more than anyone else in my life how totally imperfect I am. I don't always like myself. Is that okay? Yes.

Its okay because I don't have to love myself all of the time. I don't have to constantly have it together. There's only one person who ever did that and I'm pretty sure none of us will learn his secret until we get to meet him on the other side. While we should love our bodies and accept ourselves, we also need to understand that our self love will ebb and flow. Much like our relationships with others, there will be times when we don't like ourselves. THAT'S OKAY! It's in those moments that you get to take a step back and evaluate where you are and why you aren't where you want to be in your relationship with yourself. We do it with other people, why not with ourselves?

 We may not like ourselves, but we should never forget to love ourselves. When others are feeling down because of something we did, we do all we can to make them feel better and lift them up, but I have noticed that a lot of people (women in particular) ignore themselves when they are upset with themselves. Why? How can you help anyone else if you are unwilling to be accepting of your own imperfections? You can't! Firstly, because you can't teach things that you don't have in your own life, and secondly because if you're not on good terms with yourself no one is going to believe what you have to say anyway.

Your challenge this week is to sit down and take an inventory. What is not in alignment in your life? Is there a part of your relationship with yourself that could be better? Set some goals and take some time for yourself this week. Ten minutes out of the day can really make a difference in how you feel about yourself. Sit and meditate, go for a walk, eat some chocolate cake but do something that you enjoy and pat yourself on the back. You're all doing better than you think you are.

Body Image and Self-Love

I had an interesting encounter yesterday. I had put forth the effort to put myself together for the day. I had put on my makeup, even had a little bit of blush and gloss on. I went to class and the girl that sat next to me turned to me and said "Wow! Your makeup is always so beautiful...mine always sucks!" My heart just sank. Firstly, if you actually found the motivation to put a fair amount of makeup on, props to you. What she said made me think though about self-love. Why is it that we don't just love ourselves? Why can't we just see that we are awesome? Contrary to what we are shown in the media, by society and by our own insecurities, looks are not everything. So what if you're freckles cover your whole face? So what if you've got a double chin? So what if you don't look the way you did in high school or college?

Lets just take a minute and look at our selves in the mirror. Seriously, go find a mirror and look in it. What do you see? While you think about it, let me tell you what I see. When I look at my face I see acne, moles, facial hair that I can't get rid of and red splotches. I see a short girl who's overweight, has a flat butt, is top heavy and has a very round belly covered by stretch marks. You know what else I see? I also see battle scars that I got from my skin trying to contain pure awesomeness. I see big brown eyes that can see when others need help. I see a smile that is bright. I see uniqueness. I see Me. No one is perfect. No one expects you to be perfect. The only one who has the unrealistic expectations of yourself is YOU. No matter what stage of life you're in, we all feel insecure about ourselves. We all have times when we wish we could change something about ourselves. I'm gonna tell you something though...ready? IT'S OKAY!!

I'm gonna direct these next few comments to the mothers reading this. Moms, if you don't love yourself how can you expect your kids to love themselves? If you are constantly trying to cover yourself up, fix this and fix that, whether you do it out loud or in private, your children will notice. Kids aren't dumb.  If you want your children to be confident and accepting of themselves you need to show them what that looks like. Let your kids see you without makeup on. Let them see you in your PJ's with messy hair. Let them see you on the days when you aren't at 100% (which if your not Barbie, is everyday). If you show them that you can love yourself through every up and down of life, they will learn to do the same thing. Don't just tell your girls how pretty they look or your boys how strong they are or handsome, but tell them how smart they are, how kind they are, how funny they are. Show them and tell them that they have more to offer this world than just looking nice. I'm sorry, but looking nice and being attractive really never changed the world.

Now, this goes for everyone. We all do this either out loud or in our head. If you have a bad thought about someones appearance, keep your mouth shut and put it out of your mind. It's not going to make you feel any better about yourself. You can't say "at least I'm (whatever) than her/him," and feel good about yourself. It will eat away at your spirit. You may be physically attractive but your insides are nasty looking. Think about that before you say something. Before I say something about someone else I think about how it would look if I had to wear it on the outside. If I would be embarrassed to wear something that I said to or about someone or myself, then I probably shouldn't be saying it.

Here is a challenge for you readers this week. Everyday find something that you like about yourself. Write it down. Give a random stranger a complement everyday. It will make their day. Cut yourself some slack. Spend some quality time with yourself and people who lift you up. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder. You're doing better than you think you are.

Update! Recent Doctors Appointement

Hi guys! It's been a while since I updated this, but I thought I should today. So most of you know that I have been seeing an Endocrinologist for the last six or seven months. The last appointment that I had with her she prescribed me some new medication. So I had a followup appointment with her this last week, just to see how everything was going. Since my last visit with her I've lost ten pounds (for those of you who have PCOS you know this is a BIG deal). I have also been able to get my moods under control with the help of some Prozac. My doctor also discussed some different treatment options for me to think about that might be more effective. While I won't be changing my treatment plan anytime soon, I thought I would share with you guys a little bit about what my daily routine is like as far as treatments go.

So first off, pills. There's quite a few of them. I take Metformin, which is an insulin medication, everyday with breakfast along with a multivitamin and a B complex. Now, this medication has probably been the most effective as far as helping me to be able to eat better. My cravings without it are out of control. If I don't eat enough during the day they still come, so it's very important for me to snack so that I don't become an ugly, hangry monster (Joshua has seen me like this and it is a little frightening). Then at night I take my Prozac, which is suppose to help me sleep. It does make me tired, but I've had Insomnia for a long time and it really doesn't help with that. I also have a progesterone medication that I take for 12 days at the beginning of the month.

Why am I not changing to something that might work better? Because I believe that the human body is amazing. I want to be able to give my body the chance to quick itself into gear. As I've changed my diet and exercise routines I've noticed a huge difference in the way that I feel, and how my body functions. So, while these other treatments might work better, I want to see if my body with do what it's suppose to on its own. I also just got used to my meds and, quite frankly, I'm not in the mood to try to get used to something else right now. When you struggle with PCOS, infertility, or any type of disease for that matter, every step can be exhausting. It feels like you're climbing a mountain. Sometimes it seems like you get to the top, but then the next cliff you have to climb over seems even more expensive and time consuming. Not only that, but there are a lot of side effects to medication. While modern medicine can be a blessing, I also think that we can trust our bodies to do what they need to. I'm hoping that as I show my body that I love it, instead of being angry with it all the time, we will be able to understand one another.

Here's a challenge for all of you this week. Find something about your body that you love. All of us have something that we like. Be kind to yourself this week and listen to your body. What is it telling you? Do you need to slow down? Do you need to get off the couch and do more? Choose to eat that salad instead of a burger. Make it a point to let your body know that you appreciate all the hard work that it does for you. Thanks for reading guys! Have a great week!

Thank You!!!

Hello everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday season. Today I just want to take a minute to say "thank you".

Its impossible for me to name everyone who has reached out in love to Joshua and I, but want you all to know that it was noticed. We feel so blessed to have the family and friends that we do.  Every text of support, every time we are asked how things are going, or anytime you have shown us compassion has not gone unnoticed. We love you. Thank you for all that you do for us. Your friendship and support has lifted us at the times when we needed it the most. None of you will ever know what an impact you have made on our lives, and I don't have the words to express it. I just hope you all know that we are thankful. We have felt all of your prayers and thoughts as we've shared this journey with you. Thank you for all that you do. We love you all.

Reflections and Moving Forward

Today is New Years Eve. The last year is gone. We can't get it back. We can't do it again. As I've been reflecting on this last year, I've shed a lot of tears, but mostly I see how hope has taken over my life. This week in particular has been difficult for me. This would have marked me at 15 weeks along in my pregnancy. My baby would've been able to suck on it's thumb. It would've been about the size of a lemon. As I've tried to make sense of what happened and come to terms with it, I've come to a huge realization of God's love for me. There have been some extremely hard challenges this last year, but Heavenly Father didn't make those things happen. He doesn't willfully cause those things that for His own purposes He allows. Why did I lose a baby after we had tried for so long? I don't know. Was it God's fault? No. My body simply did exactly what it was designed to do. Is it God's fault that I have this disorder that is so trying and obnoxious to deal with? No. Has He allowed to be so? Yes He has. Why? For me.
Why did any of the hard things happen to some of the greatest people to ever walk this earth? Bad things happened to prophets, to apostles...bad things happened to the Savior himself. What was the point? I have found the answer people. Every challenge that we have ever faced, whether by design or our own choices or just the universe deciding it didn't like us that day, happened because we needed to learn something about ourselves. Bailey needed to learn something about Bailey. Joshua needed to learn something about Joshua. We as a couple needed to learn something as a couple by being brought low and turning to the only place that we could even think to turn. How else would I have come to understand the depths of our Heavenly Father's love for me, for my husband and for all of His children?
As we come into 2015, let us reflect on the growth of this last year. Reflect, but look forward with hope for what lies ahead. Hope that this is the year our boats sale in, the year we accomplish all that we are capable of, the year that will again change us for the better. I hope that this is the year that we are able to begin our family. However, whatever the outcome, whatever storm may rage against us, whatever calamity may fall, whatever joy, sorrow, pain or peace I hope that we can kneel before our God with pure hearts and give Him thanks for his mercy and love. I am so grateful for all that we have experienced this last year, the good and bad. I hope that you all enjoy your New Years Eve, and have a very happy New Year! May the Lord bless you all in everything that you need.