Today is New Years Eve. The last year is gone. We can't get it back. We can't do it again. As I've been reflecting on this last year, I've shed a lot of tears, but mostly I see how hope has taken over my life. This week in particular has been difficult for me. This would have marked me at 15 weeks along in my pregnancy. My baby would've been able to suck on it's thumb. It would've been about the size of a lemon. As I've tried to make sense of what happened and come to terms with it, I've come to a huge realization of God's love for me. There have been some extremely hard challenges this last year, but Heavenly Father didn't make those things happen. He doesn't willfully cause those things that for His own purposes He allows. Why did I lose a baby after we had tried for so long? I don't know. Was it God's fault? No. My body simply did exactly what it was designed to do. Is it God's fault that I have this disorder that is so trying and obnoxious to deal with? No. Has He allowed to be so? Yes He has. Why? For me.
Why did any of the hard things happen to some of the greatest people to ever walk this earth? Bad things happened to prophets, to apostles...bad things happened to the Savior himself. What was the point? I have found the answer people. Every challenge that we have ever faced, whether by design or our own choices or just the universe deciding it didn't like us that day, happened because we needed to learn something about ourselves. Bailey needed to learn something about Bailey. Joshua needed to learn something about Joshua. We as a couple needed to learn something as a couple by being brought low and turning to the only place that we could even think to turn. How else would I have come to understand the depths of our Heavenly Father's love for me, for my husband and for all of His children?
As we come into 2015, let us reflect on the growth of this last year. Reflect, but look forward with hope for what lies ahead. Hope that this is the year our boats sale in, the year we accomplish all that we are capable of, the year that will again change us for the better. I hope that this is the year that we are able to begin our family. However, whatever the outcome, whatever storm may rage against us, whatever calamity may fall, whatever joy, sorrow, pain or peace I hope that we can kneel before our God with pure hearts and give Him thanks for his mercy and love. I am so grateful for all that we have experienced this last year, the good and bad. I hope that you all enjoy your New Years Eve, and have a very happy New Year! May the Lord bless you all in everything that you need.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Having Compassion for Others Trials and Tribulations
Today my post is going to be a little bit of a rant, but I think that I should address something. I recently was talking to a lady about PCOS who knew a little bit about it. She is studying nutrition and was curious about my problems. What she said to me has really been bothering me for a few weeks. As we talked about nutrition and other things she said to me "PCOS isn't as hard as people think it is. It's all about your lifestyle". Okay... I do agree to a point. While lifestyle is a factor, it's not necessarily the problem. I know that I personally have been making some changes to my lifestyle, but I also know many women who struggle with PCOS that live very healthy and active lives. I'm sure she didn't mean it this way, but to me it sounded like "you have a hard time with this because you don't have a healthy lifestyle". What I heard was, it's my fault.
I was diagnosed at fifteen. As a teenager, I was healthy. I had a great body (I often wish I could have it back). At my heaviest I weighed in at 130 pounds. I now weigh in over 190 pounds. I have always had jobs that required me to be on my feet all day and generally running around helping customers. I don't think that I am sedentary by any means. Should I exercise more? Probably, but I think about 80% of the population could stand to be more active. None of us are as healthy as we could or should be. So lets not be judgmental of others. If you don't have to personally deal with some of the health issues that others do, then you have no right to make any judgements. What may be hard for someone else, may not be hard for you. That's fine, but that doesn't make the other persons struggle any less real for them or any less difficult.
I also want to add that hormones control, quite literally, everything in our bodies. They control how we use food for energy, how we maintain our weight...I can't even name all of the things that hormones control, especially for women. My hormones are messed up. This will never go away. There is no cure for PCOS, and medical professionals still don't really know what causes it. This is something that, like a diabetic, I will have to manage my whole life. It won't go away when I have children. It won't get better with age, if anything it will probably get worse. I will end up having more symptoms to manage, more medication to take and other health problems to avoid. I will repeat that ONE IN EVERY TEN WOMEN has PCOS. As I've written this blog I have truly come to find that statistic to be fairly accurate. There are some of you who read my blog that I didn't even know had PCOS too. You've been coming out of the wood work. Every single one of you ladies have expressed to me how difficult this has been for you. It's not something that simple lifestyle changes will fix. While a healthy diet and exercise regiment will help, and can possibly alleviate some symptoms, that's not the case for everyone.
Everyone's symptoms vary. My symptoms became worse the older I got. As I said, I was a healthy teen. The only symptom I had was the irregular periods. The only reason that the doctor could even diagnose me is because she tested my hormone levels, which were very abnormal. Some women have embarrassing facial hair growth, some women gain weight no matter what they do because of Insulin resistance. There are some women who are never able to have children because of this, there are some women who deal with horrible depression and anxiety. With so many women struggling with this, shouldn't we be a little more mindful of others? I don't think that God looks down on these women, or any person that has struggles. All of His children have their own problems, and he takes the time to listen and understand every single solitary one. Shouldn't we give others the same curtesy that God our Father gives our brothers and sister?
I know that this is sort of a rant, but I'm feeling a little cheated. The whole reason I decided that I needed to open up about this is because I wanted people to be more understanding of me and others. Quite frankly if some of you had to wake up and look at this body every day, you might be a little frustrated too. Some of you know how it feels to not be able to conceive and the feeling of losing a child, some of you don't. For those of you who don't, I wouldn't want anyone to have go through these experiences. If you were taking a million different medications, having to do tests, not being able to follow through with a craving that could probably be compared to any pregnancy craving in intensity, and simply deal with the feeling of having no control over your body there would be days that you would probably want to give up. Those of you who know me well, know that I don't have patience for ignorance. Please be kind to others. All of you have your own struggles that you deal with. They may not be something that I struggle with, but that doesn't make it any less real or hard.
Whether you deal with health issues, addictions, low self-esteem, being a new mother or father, being a tired mother or father, or anything else in your life that is difficult for you, we have been commanded by Christ to love each other as He loved us. Shouldn't that also mean being understanding of others trials and tribulations. The things that we deal with are specifically designed to make us better people. We go through our trials and tribulations, not only to gain knowledge, but also to gain perspective and to learn to have compassion on one another. So this week, with it being Christmas, a time to truly focus on giving, give your ears to listen to someone you know really needs to talk. Give your time to someone who needs it. Give your compassion to those who can't find it anywhere and are feeling lost. Give your love as a brother or sister to those who just need to know that they are not alone.
I was diagnosed at fifteen. As a teenager, I was healthy. I had a great body (I often wish I could have it back). At my heaviest I weighed in at 130 pounds. I now weigh in over 190 pounds. I have always had jobs that required me to be on my feet all day and generally running around helping customers. I don't think that I am sedentary by any means. Should I exercise more? Probably, but I think about 80% of the population could stand to be more active. None of us are as healthy as we could or should be. So lets not be judgmental of others. If you don't have to personally deal with some of the health issues that others do, then you have no right to make any judgements. What may be hard for someone else, may not be hard for you. That's fine, but that doesn't make the other persons struggle any less real for them or any less difficult.
I also want to add that hormones control, quite literally, everything in our bodies. They control how we use food for energy, how we maintain our weight...I can't even name all of the things that hormones control, especially for women. My hormones are messed up. This will never go away. There is no cure for PCOS, and medical professionals still don't really know what causes it. This is something that, like a diabetic, I will have to manage my whole life. It won't go away when I have children. It won't get better with age, if anything it will probably get worse. I will end up having more symptoms to manage, more medication to take and other health problems to avoid. I will repeat that ONE IN EVERY TEN WOMEN has PCOS. As I've written this blog I have truly come to find that statistic to be fairly accurate. There are some of you who read my blog that I didn't even know had PCOS too. You've been coming out of the wood work. Every single one of you ladies have expressed to me how difficult this has been for you. It's not something that simple lifestyle changes will fix. While a healthy diet and exercise regiment will help, and can possibly alleviate some symptoms, that's not the case for everyone.
Everyone's symptoms vary. My symptoms became worse the older I got. As I said, I was a healthy teen. The only symptom I had was the irregular periods. The only reason that the doctor could even diagnose me is because she tested my hormone levels, which were very abnormal. Some women have embarrassing facial hair growth, some women gain weight no matter what they do because of Insulin resistance. There are some women who are never able to have children because of this, there are some women who deal with horrible depression and anxiety. With so many women struggling with this, shouldn't we be a little more mindful of others? I don't think that God looks down on these women, or any person that has struggles. All of His children have their own problems, and he takes the time to listen and understand every single solitary one. Shouldn't we give others the same curtesy that God our Father gives our brothers and sister?
I know that this is sort of a rant, but I'm feeling a little cheated. The whole reason I decided that I needed to open up about this is because I wanted people to be more understanding of me and others. Quite frankly if some of you had to wake up and look at this body every day, you might be a little frustrated too. Some of you know how it feels to not be able to conceive and the feeling of losing a child, some of you don't. For those of you who don't, I wouldn't want anyone to have go through these experiences. If you were taking a million different medications, having to do tests, not being able to follow through with a craving that could probably be compared to any pregnancy craving in intensity, and simply deal with the feeling of having no control over your body there would be days that you would probably want to give up. Those of you who know me well, know that I don't have patience for ignorance. Please be kind to others. All of you have your own struggles that you deal with. They may not be something that I struggle with, but that doesn't make it any less real or hard.
Whether you deal with health issues, addictions, low self-esteem, being a new mother or father, being a tired mother or father, or anything else in your life that is difficult for you, we have been commanded by Christ to love each other as He loved us. Shouldn't that also mean being understanding of others trials and tribulations. The things that we deal with are specifically designed to make us better people. We go through our trials and tribulations, not only to gain knowledge, but also to gain perspective and to learn to have compassion on one another. So this week, with it being Christmas, a time to truly focus on giving, give your ears to listen to someone you know really needs to talk. Give your time to someone who needs it. Give your compassion to those who can't find it anywhere and are feeling lost. Give your love as a brother or sister to those who just need to know that they are not alone.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
The Struggle of Self-Mastery
Hi guys! Today I am going to touch on how I'm doing. Many of you have asked how my treatment has been going and how the lifestyle changes are going. Well, things are happening, slowly, but surly. One of the struggles with PCOS is cravings. For me, because my body is resistant to insulin, my body doesn't use the food I eat for energy. This makes me crave sugar and carbs more. I need that spike for energy, but I can't sustain it. This is part of the reason that I take an insulin medication. This last week I was feeling particularly helpless. As I've tried doing my own research on how I should be eating to stabilize my blood sugar levels, I have found so many different opinions. Some say gluten free, others say no carbs, others say no dairy. I find that ridiculous. My doctor suggested that I talk to a nutritionist because she wasn't quite sure what to change as far as diet. I was looking in my cupboards and fridge and wondering what the heck I've been doing wrong. I don't feel that I eat any worse than the rest of you, and my medication has helped with the cravings and feeling when I need to eat.
I was blessed the other night to be giving a ride to a sister in our ward. She asked how long we had been married and other things. Soon she was asking about kids. So I proceeded to explain that I have an endocrine disorder. She asked what, so I told her. Turns out she is a nutritionist, not licensed, but she only has a few semesters left. So we began discussing some of my symptoms and she offered to help me. It is now day two, and I'm feeling pretty good. She's given me some tools to help me make better food choices. While I still have those cravings, I am willing myself to control them. I don't think it's necessarily bad to have sugar or carbs. I personally love bread, but because my body has special needs, balance is of utmost importance. Balance is important for anyone. In this world of processed foods, balance can be hard to achieve for anyone. As much as I want to eat that ice cream or that toast with cinnamon sugar on it, I want more to be around for my children. I want to be able to feel like I have control over my body. I want to have a strong body; not a fit body, skinny body...just healthy.
I recently read a talk by James E. Faust talking about the power of self-mastery. While this talk is aimed at the priesthood brethren, I found it inspiring. I know that it will be a struggle to change my habits. It will take a lot of work and dedication to change my body, but I also know that it is possible. To keep me inspired, I have been writing quotes on the mirror in our bathroom. This way I can see something inspirational every day. The one that I have had up there for the last few weeks has truly touched me. The poem Invictus by William Earnest Henley has been an anthem for me. As I finish getting ready for the day, I read it out loud. William Earnest Henley also had many physical limitations. He was crippled when he penned this. Perhaps thats why I find it so inspiring. "Invictus" is latin for "unconquered". I hope that this is helpful for any of you who are having a hard day, week, month, or even year. Remember that God made us resilient. He built us so that we could withstand the trials that we are given.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
I was blessed the other night to be giving a ride to a sister in our ward. She asked how long we had been married and other things. Soon she was asking about kids. So I proceeded to explain that I have an endocrine disorder. She asked what, so I told her. Turns out she is a nutritionist, not licensed, but she only has a few semesters left. So we began discussing some of my symptoms and she offered to help me. It is now day two, and I'm feeling pretty good. She's given me some tools to help me make better food choices. While I still have those cravings, I am willing myself to control them. I don't think it's necessarily bad to have sugar or carbs. I personally love bread, but because my body has special needs, balance is of utmost importance. Balance is important for anyone. In this world of processed foods, balance can be hard to achieve for anyone. As much as I want to eat that ice cream or that toast with cinnamon sugar on it, I want more to be around for my children. I want to be able to feel like I have control over my body. I want to have a strong body; not a fit body, skinny body...just healthy.
I recently read a talk by James E. Faust talking about the power of self-mastery. While this talk is aimed at the priesthood brethren, I found it inspiring. I know that it will be a struggle to change my habits. It will take a lot of work and dedication to change my body, but I also know that it is possible. To keep me inspired, I have been writing quotes on the mirror in our bathroom. This way I can see something inspirational every day. The one that I have had up there for the last few weeks has truly touched me. The poem Invictus by William Earnest Henley has been an anthem for me. As I finish getting ready for the day, I read it out loud. William Earnest Henley also had many physical limitations. He was crippled when he penned this. Perhaps thats why I find it so inspiring. "Invictus" is latin for "unconquered". I hope that this is helpful for any of you who are having a hard day, week, month, or even year. Remember that God made us resilient. He built us so that we could withstand the trials that we are given.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Dealing with Depression and Anxiety
Hi guys! . Today I'm going to talk about depression and anxiety. Those of you who know me well know that I struggle with anxiety and have for a long time, but most of you don't know that I also have been dealing with depression the last few years. I am going to be very open about this. I will be totally honest with how I feel, and some of it is a little scary. I don't want any of you to worry about me, just to be aware.
When you have PCOS it's totally normal to have anxiety and depression. It's also normal when you're dealing with infertility to become depressed. Hormones, the inability to procreate and still having to take care of your other responsibilities can really take it's tole on you. I think that's why it's so hard when people try to tell you to "just relax" or "don't worry about it." Honestly, if I could "just relax" I would do it. It's not that I don't want to relax or stop worrying, but sometimes you just can't. Everyone is busy, and everyone has hard things to deal with. Instead of offering advice that isn't asked for, let people vent. When a friend comes to you to tell you how stressed out they are, it's more helpful/productive to listen! They don't want your advice, they just want to know that they have your support.
I began dealing with anxiety while I was in High School. One day, I was sitting in class, listening to a lecture, when all of a sudden my heart started to do flutter. It went on like this all class. I began to feel light headed. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something. I told my parents when I got home and we proceeded to go to doctors to find out what was wrong. Nothing. The doctor told us nothing was wrong with me. "You're perfectly healthy." Well, as it so happens I took a phsycology class that year. Anxiety. I also confirmed this with my teacher who worked at the hospital as a psychologist. I then spent the next few years dealing with the physical side effects of anxiety like insomnia, because I'm too worried about everything to sleep. I still sometimes have to drug myself in order to fall asleep. I became more nervous and easily agitated. I am constantly talking myself out of irrational fears. I can't even name how many things I didn't do, how many jobs I didn't apply to, or how many risks I didn't take because I was too afraid that I would fail. This all consuming fear that freezes everything inside of you and makes you want to curl up into a little ball and hide in a corner. I often put off making decisions because I'm just afraid of making a bad choice, even if both choices are good. It sounds totally irrational when I explain it this way, and it is irrational. I often feel and believe that I'm crazy. My brain never shuts off. I lay awake at night with thoughts swimming through my head. I envy Joshua because he can just lay down and fall asleep. I often don't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, and then I have to wake up early to go to school or to work.
The depression was something that I never thought I would deal with. I'm not talking about just simply feeling down or a little depressed, we all feel that way now and again. I mean real depression. Feeling yourself fall into a hole that you are trying so hard to climb out of but no matter how hard you climb you only sink deeper. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland worded it so beautifully in his talk "Like a Broken Vessel" from October 2013 General Conference.
"... I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest that it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulder and think more positively...this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."
I'm sure I won't be able to describe my feelings as eloquently as Elder Holland, but I will try. The biggest issue that I have had is being around others. I am a little more of in introvert by nature. I normally enjoy others, but I thrive on time with myself. I have found it increasingly difficult over the last few years to be around others, including family. Often I will leave the room to go where there are less people, or go find a corner of the house that I can sit alone where no one will see me. Its not because I don't love any of you, its because I love you that I go away. I didn't want any of you to know, partially because I was embarrassed, and partially because I didn't want to be a burden. I find it difficult to be at work many days, or even at school. I just want to be alone. I lack motivation to do anything; chores, homework, work, cooking...somedays it's all I can do to force myself to get out of bed. My head hurts, by body aches, I find no pleasure in doing the things I used to enjoy, even singing. I pray everyday that something will make me happy. There have been days that were so bad that I wished I could just die. I have no desire to hurt myself for those of you who are worrying about me right now. I feel so blessed to have my sweet husband who tries to make me laugh everyday, and most days he succeeds.
I recently started taking a medication that my doctor prescribed. I don't know how I like it. It makes me feel...numb. I don't feel really low or high, but I suppose it's better than the alternative. I can do what I need to now, and I don't feel like the depression is hindering me, but the medication does make me tired most of the time. I guess only time will tell how it all plays out. I know that everything will be fine, and eventually things will get easier to handle. It tends to be something that is hard to explain to others. As always, I really appreciate all of your support. I have found it much easier to talk about. Now that everyone knows some of the things I've been experiencing, I don't feel that I have to hide anymore. All your thoughts and prayers give me hope and strength.
When you have PCOS it's totally normal to have anxiety and depression. It's also normal when you're dealing with infertility to become depressed. Hormones, the inability to procreate and still having to take care of your other responsibilities can really take it's tole on you. I think that's why it's so hard when people try to tell you to "just relax" or "don't worry about it." Honestly, if I could "just relax" I would do it. It's not that I don't want to relax or stop worrying, but sometimes you just can't. Everyone is busy, and everyone has hard things to deal with. Instead of offering advice that isn't asked for, let people vent. When a friend comes to you to tell you how stressed out they are, it's more helpful/productive to listen! They don't want your advice, they just want to know that they have your support.
I began dealing with anxiety while I was in High School. One day, I was sitting in class, listening to a lecture, when all of a sudden my heart started to do flutter. It went on like this all class. I began to feel light headed. I really thought I was having a heart attack or something. I told my parents when I got home and we proceeded to go to doctors to find out what was wrong. Nothing. The doctor told us nothing was wrong with me. "You're perfectly healthy." Well, as it so happens I took a phsycology class that year. Anxiety. I also confirmed this with my teacher who worked at the hospital as a psychologist. I then spent the next few years dealing with the physical side effects of anxiety like insomnia, because I'm too worried about everything to sleep. I still sometimes have to drug myself in order to fall asleep. I became more nervous and easily agitated. I am constantly talking myself out of irrational fears. I can't even name how many things I didn't do, how many jobs I didn't apply to, or how many risks I didn't take because I was too afraid that I would fail. This all consuming fear that freezes everything inside of you and makes you want to curl up into a little ball and hide in a corner. I often put off making decisions because I'm just afraid of making a bad choice, even if both choices are good. It sounds totally irrational when I explain it this way, and it is irrational. I often feel and believe that I'm crazy. My brain never shuts off. I lay awake at night with thoughts swimming through my head. I envy Joshua because he can just lay down and fall asleep. I often don't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, and then I have to wake up early to go to school or to work.
The depression was something that I never thought I would deal with. I'm not talking about just simply feeling down or a little depressed, we all feel that way now and again. I mean real depression. Feeling yourself fall into a hole that you are trying so hard to climb out of but no matter how hard you climb you only sink deeper. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland worded it so beautifully in his talk "Like a Broken Vessel" from October 2013 General Conference.
"... I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest that it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulder and think more positively...this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."
I'm sure I won't be able to describe my feelings as eloquently as Elder Holland, but I will try. The biggest issue that I have had is being around others. I am a little more of in introvert by nature. I normally enjoy others, but I thrive on time with myself. I have found it increasingly difficult over the last few years to be around others, including family. Often I will leave the room to go where there are less people, or go find a corner of the house that I can sit alone where no one will see me. Its not because I don't love any of you, its because I love you that I go away. I didn't want any of you to know, partially because I was embarrassed, and partially because I didn't want to be a burden. I find it difficult to be at work many days, or even at school. I just want to be alone. I lack motivation to do anything; chores, homework, work, cooking...somedays it's all I can do to force myself to get out of bed. My head hurts, by body aches, I find no pleasure in doing the things I used to enjoy, even singing. I pray everyday that something will make me happy. There have been days that were so bad that I wished I could just die. I have no desire to hurt myself for those of you who are worrying about me right now. I feel so blessed to have my sweet husband who tries to make me laugh everyday, and most days he succeeds.
I recently started taking a medication that my doctor prescribed. I don't know how I like it. It makes me feel...numb. I don't feel really low or high, but I suppose it's better than the alternative. I can do what I need to now, and I don't feel like the depression is hindering me, but the medication does make me tired most of the time. I guess only time will tell how it all plays out. I know that everything will be fine, and eventually things will get easier to handle. It tends to be something that is hard to explain to others. As always, I really appreciate all of your support. I have found it much easier to talk about. Now that everyone knows some of the things I've been experiencing, I don't feel that I have to hide anymore. All your thoughts and prayers give me hope and strength.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Finding Miracles and Blessings in Hardships
I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be 100% honest in what I was writing. Today I find it difficult to be that honest. Some of you may have noticed that it's been a long time since I've posted anything. The last few months have been some of the most difficult and yet spiritual that I've ever experienced. Even though the heartache is still something that I have to deal with everyday, I have been able to see some of the tender mercies of God. My testimony in Jesus Christ has been strengthened.
Those of you who've been reading my posts know that we have struggled for two years to start our family. It's been one of the most stressful and heartbreaking experiences of our lives. You also know that I've been doing treatments to help with my PCOS as well as to help with fertility. Well, we experienced a miracle. Before I even took a test I knew that I was pregnant. I felt that there was life in me, I couldn't explain it. Finally I missed my period. My hopes only shot higher. I never miss, I am never late. I wanted to be sure though, so Joshua and I decide that we would wait a week to take a test.
While we waited I continued to experience symptoms. My head told me not to get my hopes up, that it was probably nothing, but my heart and spirit were filled with hope. I felt an undeniable spiritual presence around me. On October the 21st I began to feel terribly sick. I thought that it was possibly just morning sickness. As the day went on though, I began to cramp. The most horrible cramps I've ever had. When I got home that day I decided that I was going to take a test that night. I waited until Joshua got home from work and immediately went to take one. That was when I saw the blood...clotted and dark as could be. My heart sunk, but I decided to take the test anyway. I watched the test as the results came up. I watched as the line came up, faintly at first, but then it got darker. Everything inside of me died right at that moment because I knew there was nothing that I could do. I was six weeks along.
While our hearts are broken, we know that this baby will always be ours. I never knew that I could feel so much love within myself. I had a realization that If I can feel that much love, and I'm imperfect, how does Heavenly Father love me? I can't help but think about Joseph and Emma Smith. They knew well the ache of a parents heart. Of the eleven children that they had, only five actually lived to adulthood. Joseph once said that "the only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory that the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable wicked world."
I miss my baby everyday. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that sweet spirit, or wish that it was here to be with us. I wish that I could feel this sweet baby growing. I've stumbled through many different emotions. There are days that I'm okay, and days that I'd rather just stay in bed. I know though that with time and the Atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ that I can find healing and peace. The true comfort that I have felt is knowing that this baby will be mine. I have been so blessed. I felt something that I have always feared that I would not feel. I am grateful that I was able to have even a few weeks of something wonderful than live my whole life with nothing special.
I want to thank all of you who have given your support to Joshua and I at this time. Some of you have asked us if we will be trying again soon. After much discussion and prayer, we feel that it would be best to allow my body and spirit more time to recover. We want to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be before we attempt again. We are so grateful for your sensitivity and support during this time. I was very unsure about posting this...I didn't know if it would be helpful or not. I have found though that as I have shared this information with others, they have been very supportive and having them be aware has helped me. I don't feel that I have to hide if I'm having a difficult day or feel bad if I feel like I can't attend a baby shower or a blessing. I truly appreciate your understanding and friendship.
Those of you who've been reading my posts know that we have struggled for two years to start our family. It's been one of the most stressful and heartbreaking experiences of our lives. You also know that I've been doing treatments to help with my PCOS as well as to help with fertility. Well, we experienced a miracle. Before I even took a test I knew that I was pregnant. I felt that there was life in me, I couldn't explain it. Finally I missed my period. My hopes only shot higher. I never miss, I am never late. I wanted to be sure though, so Joshua and I decide that we would wait a week to take a test.
While we waited I continued to experience symptoms. My head told me not to get my hopes up, that it was probably nothing, but my heart and spirit were filled with hope. I felt an undeniable spiritual presence around me. On October the 21st I began to feel terribly sick. I thought that it was possibly just morning sickness. As the day went on though, I began to cramp. The most horrible cramps I've ever had. When I got home that day I decided that I was going to take a test that night. I waited until Joshua got home from work and immediately went to take one. That was when I saw the blood...clotted and dark as could be. My heart sunk, but I decided to take the test anyway. I watched the test as the results came up. I watched as the line came up, faintly at first, but then it got darker. Everything inside of me died right at that moment because I knew there was nothing that I could do. I was six weeks along.
While our hearts are broken, we know that this baby will always be ours. I never knew that I could feel so much love within myself. I had a realization that If I can feel that much love, and I'm imperfect, how does Heavenly Father love me? I can't help but think about Joseph and Emma Smith. They knew well the ache of a parents heart. Of the eleven children that they had, only five actually lived to adulthood. Joseph once said that "the only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory that the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable wicked world."
I miss my baby everyday. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that sweet spirit, or wish that it was here to be with us. I wish that I could feel this sweet baby growing. I've stumbled through many different emotions. There are days that I'm okay, and days that I'd rather just stay in bed. I know though that with time and the Atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ that I can find healing and peace. The true comfort that I have felt is knowing that this baby will be mine. I have been so blessed. I felt something that I have always feared that I would not feel. I am grateful that I was able to have even a few weeks of something wonderful than live my whole life with nothing special.
I want to thank all of you who have given your support to Joshua and I at this time. Some of you have asked us if we will be trying again soon. After much discussion and prayer, we feel that it would be best to allow my body and spirit more time to recover. We want to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be before we attempt again. We are so grateful for your sensitivity and support during this time. I was very unsure about posting this...I didn't know if it would be helpful or not. I have found though that as I have shared this information with others, they have been very supportive and having them be aware has helped me. I don't feel that I have to hide if I'm having a difficult day or feel bad if I feel like I can't attend a baby shower or a blessing. I truly appreciate your understanding and friendship.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
My Love Hate Relationship with Food
Today I'm thinking about food. Today I went into work at 8:30, totally ready to conquer the day. By 9:30 I was in desperate need of a snack, by 11 I was feeling like I might die of hunger, and by 3:30 when I was finally able to eat lunch I was having hallucinations about Costa Vida and a smothered Sweet Pork Burrito. This is the average day for me. Two days out of the week (the days that I have school) I get to snack and be healthy. The other five days of the week I'm too busy to eat when I should. In my previous posts I've talked a little bit about being on a treatment plan for my PCOS. Right now I'm taking Metformin. This is a medication to help with Insulin levels. Usually this is something that would be used for a diabetic, but in my case I am in need of it. See, my body has become Insulin resistant. Just a quick break down for those of you who are wondering what that means, normally food is absorbed into the bloodstream in the form of sugars as glucose and other basic substances. The increase in sugar in the bloodstream signal the pancreas to increase the secretion of insulin. This attaches to cells, removing sugar from the bloodstream so that it can be used for energy. So that means for someone who is insulin resistant, that their cells have a diminished
ability to respond to the action of the insulin. To make up for this the pancreas secretes more insulin. So, my body doesn't use my food for energy. Instead it stores it as fat. I never realized how absolutely out of control my eating was until I started taking the Metformin. Before I couldn't tell when my body needed to eat until I was absolutely famished. Now I can feel that I need to eat, not because I'm hungry, but because I need to eat for energy. It's amazing! On the days that I do eat well, I feel great, I can make better food choices, and I don't get hangry, (yes, I get very, very hangry). On the days that I don't get to eat, I'm so tired, I am mad, I can't focus, I can feel my blood sugar dropping, and I crave. I CRAVE sugar. I honestly lose my ability to choose good food. I can't because I can only think about how badly I need to eat, so I eat whatever is in front of me. I remember one time at a family function my Father-in-law (Kyle I love you) making a comment about how I was eating so much cake. I am known in my house as the ice cream monger. I will finish off a half gallon of ice cream in one day and not blink an eye (although to be nice to my husband I generally try to make it last two). I've stopped buying ice cream altogether because I can't stop myself. I've been trying really hard to eat better, but it's so hard! By the time I get to eat most days I just need something. I don't care what that something is, or where it came from, but I know I need it or I will lose my cherub like demeanor. I've been reading the word of wisdom almost daily. I've been trying to follow it closer. The diet is so important. We know when we eat good food, we feel happy, and when we don't, we feel bad. Its just how our bodies work. I'm not saying that we should never have that pie, or peach cobbler, or ice cream, but moderation is a must. Some of the changes that I've felt over the last few months from my medications has shown me the power of the human body, but also what a delicate machine it really is. Its must be lubricated and cleaned, and we must be careful not to overheat it. Here's a challenge for you guys this week. Forgo the soda. Pass on that dessert. Instead of a sandwich, go for a salad. Try with me to make healthy food choices this week. I'd love to hear how you guys do! Until next week!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
We're Coming Out: Our experience with Infertility
Hello again! I was touched by the responses to my last post. Thanks for the support guys! Today I'm going to talk about my infertility. I feel that this will be the most difficult post for me, so I decided to get it out of the way now. I hope that I don't offend anyone with my openness. There are many different emotions you experience with infertility. You go from angry to depressed to a raging lunatic. I am going to be very forward in this post. Those of you who have dealt with this understand there are certain things you feel you can't tell people. There are things that other people do and say that are very hurtful, and it takes all your self control to not smack them upside the head (not all of you have such impulses). Any of you have had the same experiences, or who would like to show your support to Joshua and I, we would love to hear from you guys. Infertility is something we don't really talk about. I think that's because it makes other people uncomfortable. You don't always know how to respond when someone tells you they are having issues conceiving. If you feel awkward when someone gives you this information, you can only imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it can be for those of us who are asked all the time.
"When are you guys planning on having kids?"
"Do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about children yet?"
"You better hurry, or it won't happen."(yes someone actually said this to me, like my ovaries were going to shrivel up).
My friends who have struggled with infertility, don't let your blood boil too much. People are stupid. We live in a society that doesn't put much stock in tact. I mentioned in my last post that one of the symptoms of PCOS is infertility, so I want to share a little bit about how that has affected Joshua and I. As a fifteen year old I wasn't thinking about kids. I was the girl that thought I wouldn't get married until I was 25, graduated from college, all that jazz. Obviously that didn't work out because I met a very charming and quirky returned missionary who stole my heart. During our engagement, we talked about kids a lot. We were excited for that part of our lives. Both of us have been promised in our Patriarchal Blessings that we will be parents. I already knew that it could be a challenge for us, but I knew that we had been promised and I had faith that it would happen.
So for our first year of marriage I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy (which I'm sure I didn't need) and to regulate my cycles. At this point it had been nearly four years since I'd had a period. Not long after we were married, I was baby hungry. We got a cat, which helped for a while, but then the hunger returned fairly quickly and very forcefully. We got a second cat, which helped again for a little while. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to church without crying because there were so many kids around. I love children. It's part of the reason I want to be a teacher. At the time I was serving in the nursery, and that became a source of hurt because none of these kids were mine. We finally decided that we needed to do something about it.
We had fasted and prayed, fasted some more, prayed some more, and attended the temple regularly, but we just weren't getting an answer. No definite yes and no definite no. We poured over our Patriarchal Blessings and ponder them until we had headaches. Finally we asked a different question. We asked if I should stop taking my birth control. The answer was a definite yes. I stopped using it immediately. I thought that since I had been on it for so long that maybe my cycles would be somewhat normal, or at least continue for a while. They didn't. They stopped completely. So I was back to normal (for my body at least). At this point we couldn't go to a doctor because we couldn't afford it and insurance wouldn't cover it. So for the next year, nothing happened. Then a lot of our friends started having babies. Friends from high school had babies, mission companions and friends, relatives. It was like some virus had infected everyone but me. Every time I got on Facebook, someone was pregnant.
I began to feel very discouraged, but I was determined that at some point my body might do something. I have always felt that the body is an awesome machine. God made our bodies to do certain things and I just knew that my body knew what it needed to do. I've come to accept now that it doesn't, or if it does, it's got so many obstacles in the way that it can't do what it needs to. Now we had reached the point that people were starting to ask us about it. At first it was okay, because it was only out of curiosity, but it slowly turned into something very painful. I remember one woman at church started talking to me about children, and asked when we were planning on having them. I began to make up excuses of school and financial circumstances, you know, the usual reasons why you would put off having children. She looked me straight in the face and said "Not having children is breaking a commandment. God expects obedience." I was absolutely shocked. I started to cry. With all the self control I could muster I said "God gave me ovaries that don't work, so when he blesses my ovaries to work properly I will be happen to keep that commandment." Now, I should say, I am not angry with God. This is a challenge that he has given me, and I feel that all the challenges we go through give us perspective on life that other people don't get. Perspective is exactly what the Savior needed in order for the Atonement to be all encompassing. If he didn't have the perspective and experience of our sins and trials, how would he have been able to understand us and succor us? But even Christ asked the Father if there was another way for this to be accomplished.
I don't think that people mean to be ignorant, but they are. All of us are. We are so ignorant to the struggles of others. As people kept asking I would find ways to avoid the question, or make it extremely awkward for them. I remember a coworker asked me when we planned to have a baby, and a kindly responded that I thought it would happen nine months from that morning. I know most people aren't doing it to be mean. They are mostly curious, and let's be honest, a tiny version of Joshua and I would be adorable. However, when your asked if you plan on having kids, to someone who is trying and not having success it sounds like this (at least to me).
"Are you having sex enough?"
"Are you trying hard enough?"
Sometimes it can come across as "What's wrong with you?"
It's very personal. It's stressful. I have a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that I can't give my sweet husband, who would be a wonderful father, a child. I would like to give him a little boy to wrestle around with and to be proud of. I long for the day I get to see Joshua hold our tiny baby in his big arms (for those of you who haven't seen him with a baby, it's the most precious sight I've ever seen). I am constantly at war with myself. I am always questioning what I am suppose to learn from this, and if I've done something to offend God because the blessing of motherhood I've been promised is being withheld even though it is a righteous desire. I feel like less of a woman because this is my calling in life. It is a feeling that somehow I am lower than other women. I have been made to feel that way too, when others tell me that I can't understand because I don't have children, or my life is less busy because I don't have a two year old to run after, or when they say that I don't know what tired is until I have kids. You have no idea how badly I want to experience that fatigue, gain the knowledge and experience you have. It truly bothers me when others complain about their children. I understand that being a mother is challenging, and some days you are at your wits end, but to those of us who are praying for children, we wish we had the opportunity to be the nurturer, the entertainer, the nose and tear wiper, the cuddler, the one who runs to the rescue when they get hurt, the one who is the only person who can soothe their crying, the one who is constantly being called for even when you just need a moment to yourself...we wish we could do all the things that you have to do and that you've learned to do so well. You are living our dream. It may not be the most glamorous or well paid, and there may be other things that you wish you were able to achieve, but it is a dream. At the end of the day, you have bettered that little ones life. At the end of my day, I try to sleep without thinking about how empty my arms feel. Most days I try to avoid any kind of emotion. That is the stage that I am in. I'm sure it will get better, and I will have good and bad days, but its hard to shake the fear that I will never know that kind of joy until the next life.
It's gotten to the point now that I have a hard time being around babies at all. When my niece was born, I was terrified. I thought that I wouldn't be able to love her because I had so much bitterness in my heart, not towards her parents, but my own inability to create life. I'm so in love with her though! I look at her and I feel that somehow she is a comfort for my aching arms and heart. I wish we lived closer to them so that Joshua and I could see her more, but her mom sends out pictures all the time and her little face makes me so happy. It has been nearly two and a half years since I stopped taking birth control. I've since started hormone treatments to help regulate my cycles. My doctor says that PCOS is the most treatable cause of infertility. I keep reading about all of these success stories and miracles. I hope that I will be next. The success rate of my treatment is about 80%, but I'm not one for statistics.
Thank you all for reading. I hope this was insightful. My prayer is that we will be sensitive to others, especially as women. We are hard enough on ourselves. Be a listening ear. Be the shoulder to cry on. We have been called to strengthen the feeble knees and to bare one anothers burdens. We must be kind. We should not judge others in matters that are between them, their spouse and the Lord. We never know the kinds of inner struggles that others have. We never know if someone is just putting on a brave face and saying they're "okay" because they have no other choice. Be the one to help them continue to be brave.
"When are you guys planning on having kids?"
"Do you want kids?"
"Have you thought about children yet?"
"You better hurry, or it won't happen."(yes someone actually said this to me, like my ovaries were going to shrivel up).
My friends who have struggled with infertility, don't let your blood boil too much. People are stupid. We live in a society that doesn't put much stock in tact. I mentioned in my last post that one of the symptoms of PCOS is infertility, so I want to share a little bit about how that has affected Joshua and I. As a fifteen year old I wasn't thinking about kids. I was the girl that thought I wouldn't get married until I was 25, graduated from college, all that jazz. Obviously that didn't work out because I met a very charming and quirky returned missionary who stole my heart. During our engagement, we talked about kids a lot. We were excited for that part of our lives. Both of us have been promised in our Patriarchal Blessings that we will be parents. I already knew that it could be a challenge for us, but I knew that we had been promised and I had faith that it would happen.
So for our first year of marriage I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy (which I'm sure I didn't need) and to regulate my cycles. At this point it had been nearly four years since I'd had a period. Not long after we were married, I was baby hungry. We got a cat, which helped for a while, but then the hunger returned fairly quickly and very forcefully. We got a second cat, which helped again for a little while. It got to the point that I couldn't even go to church without crying because there were so many kids around. I love children. It's part of the reason I want to be a teacher. At the time I was serving in the nursery, and that became a source of hurt because none of these kids were mine. We finally decided that we needed to do something about it.
We had fasted and prayed, fasted some more, prayed some more, and attended the temple regularly, but we just weren't getting an answer. No definite yes and no definite no. We poured over our Patriarchal Blessings and ponder them until we had headaches. Finally we asked a different question. We asked if I should stop taking my birth control. The answer was a definite yes. I stopped using it immediately. I thought that since I had been on it for so long that maybe my cycles would be somewhat normal, or at least continue for a while. They didn't. They stopped completely. So I was back to normal (for my body at least). At this point we couldn't go to a doctor because we couldn't afford it and insurance wouldn't cover it. So for the next year, nothing happened. Then a lot of our friends started having babies. Friends from high school had babies, mission companions and friends, relatives. It was like some virus had infected everyone but me. Every time I got on Facebook, someone was pregnant.
I don't think that people mean to be ignorant, but they are. All of us are. We are so ignorant to the struggles of others. As people kept asking I would find ways to avoid the question, or make it extremely awkward for them. I remember a coworker asked me when we planned to have a baby, and a kindly responded that I thought it would happen nine months from that morning. I know most people aren't doing it to be mean. They are mostly curious, and let's be honest, a tiny version of Joshua and I would be adorable. However, when your asked if you plan on having kids, to someone who is trying and not having success it sounds like this (at least to me).
"Are you having sex enough?"
"Are you trying hard enough?"
Sometimes it can come across as "What's wrong with you?"
It's very personal. It's stressful. I have a constant feeling of guilt hanging over me that I can't give my sweet husband, who would be a wonderful father, a child. I would like to give him a little boy to wrestle around with and to be proud of. I long for the day I get to see Joshua hold our tiny baby in his big arms (for those of you who haven't seen him with a baby, it's the most precious sight I've ever seen). I am constantly at war with myself. I am always questioning what I am suppose to learn from this, and if I've done something to offend God because the blessing of motherhood I've been promised is being withheld even though it is a righteous desire. I feel like less of a woman because this is my calling in life. It is a feeling that somehow I am lower than other women. I have been made to feel that way too, when others tell me that I can't understand because I don't have children, or my life is less busy because I don't have a two year old to run after, or when they say that I don't know what tired is until I have kids. You have no idea how badly I want to experience that fatigue, gain the knowledge and experience you have. It truly bothers me when others complain about their children. I understand that being a mother is challenging, and some days you are at your wits end, but to those of us who are praying for children, we wish we had the opportunity to be the nurturer, the entertainer, the nose and tear wiper, the cuddler, the one who runs to the rescue when they get hurt, the one who is the only person who can soothe their crying, the one who is constantly being called for even when you just need a moment to yourself...we wish we could do all the things that you have to do and that you've learned to do so well. You are living our dream. It may not be the most glamorous or well paid, and there may be other things that you wish you were able to achieve, but it is a dream. At the end of the day, you have bettered that little ones life. At the end of my day, I try to sleep without thinking about how empty my arms feel. Most days I try to avoid any kind of emotion. That is the stage that I am in. I'm sure it will get better, and I will have good and bad days, but its hard to shake the fear that I will never know that kind of joy until the next life.
It's gotten to the point now that I have a hard time being around babies at all. When my niece was born, I was terrified. I thought that I wouldn't be able to love her because I had so much bitterness in my heart, not towards her parents, but my own inability to create life. I'm so in love with her though! I look at her and I feel that somehow she is a comfort for my aching arms and heart. I wish we lived closer to them so that Joshua and I could see her more, but her mom sends out pictures all the time and her little face makes me so happy. It has been nearly two and a half years since I stopped taking birth control. I've since started hormone treatments to help regulate my cycles. My doctor says that PCOS is the most treatable cause of infertility. I keep reading about all of these success stories and miracles. I hope that I will be next. The success rate of my treatment is about 80%, but I'm not one for statistics.
Thank you all for reading. I hope this was insightful. My prayer is that we will be sensitive to others, especially as women. We are hard enough on ourselves. Be a listening ear. Be the shoulder to cry on. We have been called to strengthen the feeble knees and to bare one anothers burdens. We must be kind. We should not judge others in matters that are between them, their spouse and the Lord. We never know the kinds of inner struggles that others have. We never know if someone is just putting on a brave face and saying they're "okay" because they have no other choice. Be the one to help them continue to be brave.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Introduction: What the heck is PCOS?
Hello Readers!
Welcome to my first post. Glad you are here reading! I asked if I were to write a blog about PCOS if anyone would read it. I had enough people say yes that I finally decided to do it. I have felt for a long time that I needed to do this, for some of my friends and family who are struggling with this disorder, those who don't know about it and are wondering what I'm talking about, as well as for myself. It's very therapeutic to get your thoughts out in the open. As a warning, I will be very open about my experience. PCOS is not fun, comfortable or easy to deal with it. It is...an absolute roller coaster that you never get off of. Most of what I will talk about is from my own experiences, but this disorder differs in severity from person to person. My hope is to educate others as I continue to educate myself.
To start I feel I should explain Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) to those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't feel bad. This disorder is not well known. In fact for some of you this may be the first time you've ever heard about it. PCOS is an Endocrine disorder. To put simply, its a disorder in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. Basically my body makes too much testosterone, and too little woman hormones like estrogen and progesterone. Doctors aren't entirely sure what causes this. They think it could be genetics, but they aren't sure. This disorder usually starts with puberty, but many women don't end up getting diagnosed until later. I was lucky to be diagnosed at fifteen. I was one of those girls who hit puberty earlier than everyone else. By the time I was in high school I was still not regular (or as regular as a fifteen year old would be). I was lucky to have two periods a year, and I never knew when they would come. Most of my friends were fairly regular, so you can imagine I was starting to wonder what was going on. My mother decided to take me to a Gynecologist to make sure everything was okay. Well it wasn't.
There are a lot of symptoms to look for, the most common being irregular cycles. This was the only symptom I had until I graduated high school. I had started birth control to regulate my cycles, but didn't like it so I stopped taking it. I ignored my body for three years without any real problems. After I graduated however, things really took a nose dive. I gained a lot of weight. Not your normal freshman fifteen (I gained that in two weeks!). I gained more to the tune of 40 in a year after high school. Scary right?! Weight gain is normal for women with PCOS. Our bodies can develop a resistance to Insulin. Because of this women with PCOS are more at risk for diabetes. Usually symptoms are mild at first. As I said earlier, no two cases are the same. Here's a list of some of the symptoms:
To my sweet friends and family who have this disorder, I really appreciate your support and I hope that this will help you all as much as it helps me. If you have any thoughts or stories that you would like me to share on here I would love to hear from you! To my friends and family who are reading this out of support for me and to understand this better, you have no idea how much it means to me. I have really struggled the last few years with deep depression and anxiety. Constant prayer has carried me to writing to help myself overcome these challenges. Your love and support are very uplifting. For a long time I felt ashamed to tell anyone about this. I was afraid that people wouldn't understand, that it would be too hard to explain, etc. I have no shame now. I have come to accept this as a part of my life. Without this challenge in my life, I would not have had the perspective I needed to lift some women I've met who needed it, and in turn be lifted by them. I am very thankful to the Lord for the challenges that he has placed before me, and the opportunities to grow. Thank you all for reading! Look next week for a new post!
Welcome to my first post. Glad you are here reading! I asked if I were to write a blog about PCOS if anyone would read it. I had enough people say yes that I finally decided to do it. I have felt for a long time that I needed to do this, for some of my friends and family who are struggling with this disorder, those who don't know about it and are wondering what I'm talking about, as well as for myself. It's very therapeutic to get your thoughts out in the open. As a warning, I will be very open about my experience. PCOS is not fun, comfortable or easy to deal with it. It is...an absolute roller coaster that you never get off of. Most of what I will talk about is from my own experiences, but this disorder differs in severity from person to person. My hope is to educate others as I continue to educate myself.
To start I feel I should explain Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) to those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't feel bad. This disorder is not well known. In fact for some of you this may be the first time you've ever heard about it. PCOS is an Endocrine disorder. To put simply, its a disorder in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. Basically my body makes too much testosterone, and too little woman hormones like estrogen and progesterone. Doctors aren't entirely sure what causes this. They think it could be genetics, but they aren't sure. This disorder usually starts with puberty, but many women don't end up getting diagnosed until later. I was lucky to be diagnosed at fifteen. I was one of those girls who hit puberty earlier than everyone else. By the time I was in high school I was still not regular (or as regular as a fifteen year old would be). I was lucky to have two periods a year, and I never knew when they would come. Most of my friends were fairly regular, so you can imagine I was starting to wonder what was going on. My mother decided to take me to a Gynecologist to make sure everything was okay. Well it wasn't.
There are a lot of symptoms to look for, the most common being irregular cycles. This was the only symptom I had until I graduated high school. I had started birth control to regulate my cycles, but didn't like it so I stopped taking it. I ignored my body for three years without any real problems. After I graduated however, things really took a nose dive. I gained a lot of weight. Not your normal freshman fifteen (I gained that in two weeks!). I gained more to the tune of 40 in a year after high school. Scary right?! Weight gain is normal for women with PCOS. Our bodies can develop a resistance to Insulin. Because of this women with PCOS are more at risk for diabetes. Usually symptoms are mild at first. As I said earlier, no two cases are the same. Here's a list of some of the symptoms:
- Acne
- Weight gain and trouble losing weight
- Extra hair on the face and body (I'm talking dark hair! I have to shave or wax my face people!)
- Thinning hair on scalp
- Irregular periods. Some have fewer than nine periods a year. Some have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
- Fertility problems (This is one that has caused much heartache for Joshua and I)
- Depression/Anxiety
To my sweet friends and family who have this disorder, I really appreciate your support and I hope that this will help you all as much as it helps me. If you have any thoughts or stories that you would like me to share on here I would love to hear from you! To my friends and family who are reading this out of support for me and to understand this better, you have no idea how much it means to me. I have really struggled the last few years with deep depression and anxiety. Constant prayer has carried me to writing to help myself overcome these challenges. Your love and support are very uplifting. For a long time I felt ashamed to tell anyone about this. I was afraid that people wouldn't understand, that it would be too hard to explain, etc. I have no shame now. I have come to accept this as a part of my life. Without this challenge in my life, I would not have had the perspective I needed to lift some women I've met who needed it, and in turn be lifted by them. I am very thankful to the Lord for the challenges that he has placed before me, and the opportunities to grow. Thank you all for reading! Look next week for a new post!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)